Are some girls just birds and how do we know which ones

Hope Adele's new boyfriend is ready to cry to songs about himself.

Went grocery shopping hungry and now I have to sell my car

To all the preteens who think their "awkward stage" will be over in a few years: I have a ZIT that's making my WRINKLE look deeper.

Best sext I've sent: "I wanna cut off your cock, throw it in a fountain, & wish for more of your cock." 2010. I used to be so much hotter.

We have a signal if she wants to be alone with the guy she has over. She tugs her earlobe and says, "I'm gonna have sex with him now."

Why isn't anyone famous for just being really nice

There isn't a burrito in the world I wouldn't get straight-up pornographic with right now.

So disrespecting women is pretty much here to stay until we all shift into kill mode, right? Grow some balls; I'm someone's daughter.

#WhatBasketballPlayersSay hello teammate let's get the ball in the hoop okay

I got 99 problems and one of them is that I compulsively count my problems

My Valentine's Day Resolution is sideboob

When the recipe says "stir occasionally" that means walk away and sob uncontrollably, right?

Stop with the "I wonder if there's porn of..." Because yes. Yes there is. Move along.

About to watch some more Breaking Bad. My prediction for this episode: Everyone has a bad day.

Thought I saw Willem Dafoe but it was just a stucco house with an old Buick driven into the living room :(

Making chicken nuggets because sweatpants

Guy was staring at me from his car and suddenly sprung a massive nosebleed. Not certain how to interpret this.

Fuck yeah, slightly-above-average ass day.

Hey does anyone besides me like doing things? :D ...oh. :(