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I just told a joke so heinous that someone blew a rape whistle
Relationship status: Pouring packet of instant coffee and an emergen-c into an alcoholic beverage at 10pm on a Monday.
I'm stuck in the trunk of a car😬
I just liberated my chin from the oppressive follicles that keep me from realizing my potential as a handsome man.
Texas isn't even that big it's just hungover and bloated
I didn't expect to fall into a a career that would require so much ass grease but here I am. A stay at home pedicab driver.
All I want to do is play with a bunch of big dogs today
I'm so hungover I just want to get water boarded.
Roommate: Why haven't you showered in 5 days
Me: I'm getting ready to go to Wal-Mart
I want to build a big palace where all of my friends can live and create without any inhibitions
Holy fucking shit
America needs to collectively loose like 30000000 pounds
I wear pajamas and by that I
mean a bow tie
I'm apprehensive about criticizing a countries foreign policy when ours is so despicable. Here it comes. Russia should put on a shirt.
I'm watching game of thrones bored as fucking hell.... Seriously considering getting a SICK dragon tattoo
In the ever increasingly adorable predicaments plaguing my life a kitten followed a basset hound that followed me home tonight.
I have no intention of entertaining any inhibitions here. Proceed with caution.
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