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I just unlocked the next level of ADD when I looked for a vacuum but ended up making French toast.
I might be the first guy to roofy a girl just to make her breakfast in bed.
Eating a salad in preparation for going to yoga. After that I'll probably find a nice area of Whole Foods to masturbate in.
I think I'm experiencing hunger. It feels like my white privilege is wearing off.
Relationship status: furiously masturbating at the scene of a crime while screaming "I'm not masturbating"... Lets say "it's complicated"
I'm like a sociopath but against dogs. A canineopath.
Playing a fun drinking game where I drink every time I wake up!
Alls well that ends well and masturbation always ends well.
I just told Depeche Mode that I use their band name as a euphemism for ejaculant.
I guess this is a BYO reverse-catheter sort of bar
I'm not tipping. This is the worst gay bar ever. - me to every gas station attendant I've encountered in the past 5 years.
I'm finally ready to come out to my family as a juggalo
Retweets are like your cars resale value and getting really drunk is like getting your car detailed.