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I just told a joke so heinous that someone blew a rape whistle
I'm stuck in the trunk of a car😬
I just liberated my chin from the oppressive follicles that keep me from realizing my potential as a handsome man.
All I want to do is play with a bunch of big dogs today
I'm so hungover I just want to get water boarded.
Roommate: Why haven't you showered in 5 days
Me: I'm getting ready to go to Wal-Mart
I want to build a big palace where all of my friends can live and create without any inhibitions
Holy fucking shit
America needs to collectively loose like 30000000 pounds
I wear pajamas and by that I
mean a bow tie
I'm apprehensive about criticizing a countries foreign policy when ours is so despicable. Here it comes. Russia should put on a shirt.
Did you know that the song Eye of The Tiger is actually about gloryholes? Eye of the tiger is what they called gloryholes back in the 80's.
If anyone is near 4th and attayac help. I'm still stuck in the trunk of an '89 Toyota Camry
:🐉) this means guy with dragon tattoo on face
Did you know that CamelBack makes catheters too?
The cookies I made this week are so good. I've eaten 1/3 of a batch. Wish me luck.
This tweet goes out to all the bachelors who've used lube as shaving cream.
I have no intention of entertaining any inhibitions here. Proceed with caution.
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