Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought "damn so easily entertained" then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.

Did it hurt when you fell out the whore tree and banged every guy on the way down??....

How does anything get done at the bubble wrap factory.....??

I dated a midget once...I was nuts over her...

When someone asks me "Are you stupid or something", I always pick "something", cause it could be nachos or a fuzzy kitty...

Our sex was so good the other night I noticed my gf's toes were curled, then I realized I hadn't blown her up completely...

If men had periods our commercials would be awesome...

Drunk people run stop signs, high people wait for them to turn green......

I liked Skrillex back when he was called "AOL Dial-up"...

My 5yr old farted by me on the couch. I said,what are you supposed to say? She said, wasn't' me......Fucking awesome..

Dr said if I take my meds you guys will all go away...

I had to pee so bad I could taste it, need to work on my aim...

Twitter is a hell of a drug...

When I hear anything to do with Amsterdam, I automatically think.....POT IS LEGAL THERE!!!

Stevie Wonder smiles all the time cause he knows who farted....

Elephant's sex organs are in their feet. They step on you, you're fucked....

I bet Captain Crunch has wicked abs..

You can't tell your teenager "Here's a quarter, call someone who cares" because they'll say "You took my phone" or "What's the quarter for?"

Took egg salad to work. Operation Ass Bomb is a go....

Do gay guys who fight, exchange blows??...