Just made a pregnant woman laugh so hard a foot came out her nose.

Why do people say, "grow some balls?" Balls are too sensitive. If you wanna get tough, grow a vagina. Those things can take a pounding.

"Healthy" is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Jesus paid for our sins. Debit or credit?

don't hate the playa, hate the Spanish word for beach.

feeling lazier than the guy who designed the Japanese flag :/

my favorite color is cock.

condoms prevent minivans

art is our only salvation from the horror of existance

Hate is nothing but envy is nothing but jealousy is nothing but insecurity

wine goes straight to my vagina.

all you need is love ~ all you want is sex ~ all you have is porn

Houses should have drive-thrus.

Guess #AmberRose WAS totin' a gut full of Wiz Khalifa a few months ago when @bossip reported it! #sucker #kanyedodgedabullet #VMAs

my spirit animal is a flying fuck.

when someone is "mildly retarded" is that as opposed to "spicy retarded" ?

I never have to sit in the back seat cause I called shotgun infinity when I was 7.

i think i'm having a boredgasm.

Okay, Linkin Park. We get it. We got it in 1999. You're angry. Get over it

If you walk out on me without a reason, don't come back with an excuse.