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If my dad were alive today he would say, "Tracy stop telling people I'm dead".
"only 5 left in stock - order soon" um no amazon you order more soon you're the store
quit vining yourself pulling pranks on people who make minimum wage you pieces of shit
If I was a dude and fingered a girl and she later accomplished something big I would say, "I had a hand in that" and then wink at her dad.
your parents safe word is your name
I didn't watch the sound of music last night because my tv has other channels.
are you mad at me or is that just how you plucked your eyebrows
I'm going to eat this pot pie and then I'm going to fuck your dad
can I just text the suicide hotline I really hate talking on the phone
my dad told me I should bring condoms to college and then I told him I'm only taking online classes and then he just winked!
Why would you steal a baby? It's like stealing a responsibility. "Hey do you have any credit card bills? I'm stealing them.".
The doctor asked me how much I drink and I told her it depends on how much money I have.
Someone go downstairs and see why my mom was crying for two hours and then get me a granola bar and bring it upstairs.
you guys what should I get netflix for valentines day
your grandma has a pic of you in her house when you were in junior high and not at any other age
I wouldn't mind if my town banned dancing.
My dad has been watching Breaking Bad for the past four days I'm going to start calling him "Breaking Dad".
This customer told me there was a cockroach outside the store and I told her that’s where bugs live.
As soon as they hand me my food at the drive thru I hit the gas and yell out "I deserve this!!".
well back in my day we popped our pussys like this
Batman called me a faggot once. (24. comedian. cashier. lives with her parents)