If my dad were alive today he would say, "Tracy stop telling people I'm dead".

If I was a dude and fingered a girl and she later accomplished something big I would say, "I had a hand in that" and then wink at her dad.

your parents safe word is your name

are you mad at me or is that just how you plucked your eyebrows

can I just text the suicide hotline I really hate talking on the phone

Why would you steal a baby? It's like stealing a responsibility. "Hey do you have any credit card bills? I'm stealing them.".

"only 5 left in stock - order soon" um no amazon you order more soon you're the store

Someone go downstairs and see why my mom was crying for two hours and then get me a granola bar and bring it upstairs.

you guys what should I get netflix for valentines day

your grandma has a pic of you in her house when you were in junior high and not at any other age

I wouldn't mind if my town banned dancing.

My dad has been watching Breaking Bad for the past four days I'm going to start calling him "Breaking Dad".

This customer told me there was a cockroach outside the store and I told her that’s where bugs live.

well back in my day we popped our pussys like this

An ad popped up about singles in my area but all the pictures were of me.

As soon as they hand me my food at the drive thru I hit the gas and yell out "I deserve this!!".

for my birthday my parents gave me $20 and for my moms birthday I’m giving her $20. I guess we’re going to pass this $20 around until we die

hey should I drink and drive tonight

remember in school when you walked into class & there was a TV/VCR cart & the teacher was like we're not using this & you were like fuck you

I can't believe it's the year 2011 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.