If the blind literally led the blind, it'd be hilarious. What? Oh c'mon, it's not like they'll read this and get upset by it.

Found my fuck-me boots. They're just ordinary boots, but I just don't wear anything else with them.

It's cheaper than buying actual boots.

Twitter is like a relationship. In the beginning I used to delete my unfunny tweets, but now it's all hanging out and I'm letting myself go.

Nobody puts baby in a washing machine on spin cycle. Or the corner. But mainly the washing machine.

Apparently to be good with boys it's all about the teasing, not the pleasing. So, ah, that hat looks stupid on you. Yeah.

If I was ever in a martyrdom contest with my mother, I bet that she would lose on purpose. Because she is sneaky.

When people tell you your language is inappropriate, I think the only correct answer is "get fucked."

Ever asked a rhetorical question on twitter to imply you did something stupid or creepy?

No?

Me either.

I think routine is for the best, so that's why every morning after I wake up I immediately try and get back to sleep.

If we didn't have contractions everything would sound stupid. Do not you think so?

The most valued teachers? Math teachers. They just count more.

I won't do a boobshot avatar, but I realise that you've got to work to keep your followers, so I will send dirty little DMs.

Yay, dignity!

Wind is the arch nemesis to the skirt. Damn you Wind, show yourself!

Maybe I'm too harsh with the people I block. Maybe they really do just want to follow 3,000 people and give away tips for teeth whitening.

Who am I kidding though? When I say "run" it really means "half-hearted hunched-over walk while sobbing." Just so you can get a nice visual.

Him: You generalise men too much.

Me: Eh, what would you know, you're a man.

I was called childish today, don't worry though, I said "no, you are!" and totally cut them down.

Missed Connection: You had a mercedes-benz and a wad of $100s. I was the girl in back eye-fucking you(r wallet). Call me.

I hold my stomach in public so people will think my food baby is an actual baby. Also, free seats on public transport. Don't judge me.

Actions speak louder than words, so that's why I'm going to give you a hug while whispering abuse. That, and you look adorable when you cry.