"Much like all writing teachers are failed writers, all meteorologists are failed wizards."

Sometimes you witness a scene too bittersweet and complex for 140 characters, and you are relieved. Otherwise, why be a writer? Or alive?

"Is whiskey an emotion?" ...it's barely noon and Angie just set the bar real high for best quote of the day.

Vaginas have some of the best labia.

"This will only hurt for a lifetime."

Some people are horrible. These people are called children.

Today you notice that "reactive" and "creative" have all the same letters.

To anyone who has bugged my house and listens to me talking to my cats: you're still weirder than I am, so eat it.

CASABLANCA really is the CITIZEN KANE of movies.

I've never sent people nude pics, but I might've sent people pics nude. I do a lot of things nude. It's really none of your business.

Mistype of the day: "Jazz musician minus the skull."

Iif there was just a "VS." on that marquee, I'd be first in line.

Come on, Hollywood. How long do we have to wait? http://t.co/5Hi7K4pk

God grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change; the courage to change what I can; and the mental powers to explode this yappy dog.

It's amusing to think that "falling into a rut" is literally synonymous with "getting into a groove."

Love: it's salty.

No joke, this is our plan for the day you guys: BRUNCH AND KITTENS. Suck it, rest of the world. This Sunday is all ours.

Leonard Cohen. What the fuck. What the fucking fuck. Who said you could be so good? Who said?

I made a long TO DO list. The last two items are "Try Not To Panic" and "Get More Sleep." Like I'll ever get that far down the list.

I really hate how razor sharp my brain feels at 2am. I'm not cut out for dayjobs.

I love lonely people. I love perverts. I love the confused lovers and nakedly hungry of the world.