Twitter is comedy karaoke.

Kinda wish my rock bottom wasn't so comfy.

What do you call an attractive woman in the United States? A Canadian tourist.

"Can I ask you something?" = "Shit's about to get real."

People who actually know what the fuck they are talking about are my Kryptonite.

Pretty sure that Jawas are just Ewoks with hoodies.

Jesus would be a jerk on Twitter. Wants a ton of followers but isn't willing to follow anyone back.

Little known fact: Wahlberg is German for "Douchebag."

Huey Lewis and the Propaganda #NaziBands

"What the fuck is this?" - Tony the Tiger, first time he saw Tiger Beat magazine.

If I was a twin, I'd constantly wonder if I was the one that my parents really wanted.

I'm so old that I can remember when A&E occasionally aired things that were artistic and entertaining.

Debunking: The art of pulling your brother out of the top bunk.

Thanks Favstar. I really needed that extra layer between me and the real world.

"What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger." - someone who doesn't understand how reality works.

Hey Stargate SG1 fans: do they ever explain how all of the worlds they visit speak English? I know it's not a documentary but still...

"I'd tap that!" - Guy nailing the interview at the telegraph office.

Some nights I just sit and try to figure out where it all went wrong. On the other nights I have weed.

If there isn't a gay porn actor named Perry Hotter, I'm disappointed in the human race.

The word "but" is an acronym: B.U.T.
Behold the Underlying Truth