Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider :(

1. Say "Unh!"
2. Mumble 3 Spanish words
3. List 4 cities


You just made a Pitbull song.

This is the best photo I have ever taken. pic.twitter.com/yHgm7J6i22

these trucks are never getting back together. pic.twitter.com/nrF5lhj8

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

"Let's tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever."
-God making scorpions

Welcome to Twitter. We are the men and women behind your friend's funny Facebook statuses.

I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.

"Smells fresh. Like a tropical island."

"Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family's been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!"

Remember, every six cats equals one boyfriend.

The leading cause of death for Albanian men ages 18-35 is Liam Neeson.

Women are like fine wines; you can try to sell them at auctions, but Liam Neeson will find you, and he will kill you.

Taylor Swift's next album is called "Maybe I'll Just Get a Cat."

When I hear commercials say "win a trip for you and six friends" I start counting to see if I have six friends.

"You had a bad day? Let me fix that by simply existing."
-puppies

When two girls hate each other, they say "we should DEFINITELY hang out" and then take turns shouting "definitely!" until one of them dies.

I'm excited for it to get dark at 4pm. You know, take this depression up to the next level.

so blessed for all the Facebook statuses blessed to happy blessed so happiness to be blessed to the friends the Facebook updates joy bless

I stay in shape by running from commitment.

If elected, how do you plan to bring down the cost of Anthropologie skirts?