Welcome to Twitter. We are the men and women behind your friend's funny Facebook statuses.

That body. I want to put children in it. Spend time with those children. Teach them right from wrong. Support them financially.

When two girls hate each other, they say "we should DEFINITELY hang out" and then take turns shouting "definitely!" until one of them dies.

We all know life is pretty ugly but we get drunk and call her beautiful.

Life's a pond, I make ripples /
My wife's a blond/ I like nipples
(get me to a studio immediately.)

The menstrual cycle, in emojis: 🙆🌞🌜💄❤💃🍸🍸🍸💋🕙🌗🌛😡🍩🍩🍩🍩😭🔪😱🚨🚩⛅☀😃🙆

"Smells fresh. Like a tropical island."

"Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family's been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!"

Find someone who's dumb enough to love you and be nice to them.

If you're having an affair, store the person in your phone as "Jake from State Farm."

Worst text message ever: "can I call you?"

"Let's make this one suck at sports but good at art so he thinks he's gay."
-God making me

I didn't flan on getting divorced and now my wife wants custardy and she's pudding our kids in the middle :(

I never know when it's appropriate to tell a girl that she looks like one of my favorite porn stars, but that's part of my condition.

So sick of the scene in Bollywood. Everyone's so fake and attention-sikhing and if you're not a casteing director you're a naan entity.

Mr. Mayer, we're concerned that your résumé is just a napkin that reads "Jennifer Love Hewitt, Minka Kelly, Jessica Simpson, and many more"?

I love you like chubby girls with personality disorders love Evanescence.

Jafar would have succeeded if he didn't pluck his eyebrows like that.

When I pull out of a girl during sex I shout "USB was not removed properly!" and I usually don't hear from her again.

I died doing what I love. Having a Benadryl-eating contest with friends.

Heard a song on the radio without Drake so I called the police.