I have never been completely finished with laundry.

I will change the toilet paper in your house if it unrolls under instead of over. I don't give a fuck.

It always sucks when you find out that people you hate are still alive.

Can't we just sit and drink somewhere until they build a bar around us?

I'm sorry guys but if you have a cross/Jesus tattoo on your body,I automatically think jail not church.

I don't care who you are, if I see you fall,I will laugh at you before I ask if you are ok and laugh after you get up.

There is always someone we meet and instantly hate because we used to know some cocknosed douche with the same name.

I wish my baby could do the robot, it would make him so much cooler than all those OTHER babies.

I tell all my children secretly that they are my favorite.

Do people really unfollow for Rting too much? Don't they know theirs could be next?

I get confused with the whole fist bump thing, can't we just agree something's awesome without touching?

I can't sleep naked anymore(no door) and apparently "mommys shame" isn't what my children wanna see first thing in the morning.

"Get out so I can poop."- me to someone at least every day.

Wait, what are the bases now? Pretty sure butt sex isn't one of them is it? Save that for like Olympic gold medals right?

I like my coffee,like I like my coffee,with 2sugars and cream.Bring me coffee.

When a baby has their first belly laugh and then cries cause it scared them.That

People that TRY to have children and fail,you can totally borrow one or all of mine. Momma needs a drink.

Things heard on my front porch right now..." You can hear the ocean in my beer can." I did in fact put my ear to the beer can.

What happens in vagueness stays in vagueness.

Ugh.I'd love to change the channel of reality,but in reality the remote is to far away and in reality I can't use the force.