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My internet friends are nothing like to catch a predator
Woke up feeling segregated.
Googled my symptoms.
Turns out, I am an Indian, divided on the basis of food, color, caste, religion, language..
A girl has to perform some fairly intricate actions to get me horny. Like walk. speak. or breathe.
I'd probably look better if I was an animated character.
I am "chooses warmth over sexiness" years old
If you can't make fun of Bruce Jenner without being transphobic, you are the laziest comedian ever.
Also, you're a bigot.
Fuck National Cat Day.
Well, waiter, if you must know. Yes, I am hungry.
Plot Twist: Twitter didn't start sucking; your tweets did.
"Well that's probably going to come back to bite me in the ass" is a statement I say way too much.
Knowing you can make someone laugh and smile on here is probably one of the best things about this silly ass place!
Was hoping my boss would say I was a "Hard worker" in my Performance Review but she never got past saying I was hard work. Close enough.
Best thing about almost being 50 is that it's the new 40 which is the new 30 which is the new 20 so I'll finally be acting my age.
I never have a problem falling asleep it's staying asleep - especially with all my coworkers tapping noisily on their keyboards.
Cleaned under the microwave plate for the first time in ages & found enough stuff to scrape together dinner for the rest of the week.
If I had my time over to pick a life partner I'd base that decision solely on his ability to squeeze all the water out of the kitchen sponge
90% of every conversation is just waiting for the right time to interrupt & make it all about you.
All the important things in life have fries, cheese or batteries included when you buy them.
I hate it when a compliment takes a sharp turn into insult territory: "I love your shoes! They look so comfortable!!!"
Woke up with my bed sheets looking like I'd been wrestling a bear. Get up & find a bear helping himself to my best coffee.
Explict Content. Do not follow if under the age of 18. No follow holla's. No 4Sq. Get off my porch.