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Thinking about adding God something or other to my Bio. You know, to attract a different class of psychos.
I get it cell phone battery. I too die a little inside every day.
you better look both ways before you cross me
I'm I feel like I'm everyone's mom at a bachelorette party years old.
How is there not antianxiety medication called Passed Tense?
Throw some validation at me, so I know it's real.
Boyfriend: Babe, we've been living together awhile now and dating longer. You're gonna have to meet my mom sometime
THE BAD NEWS: You can’t make people like, love or accept you.
THE GOOD NEWS: They make duct tape for that reason
It's weird how you can be in love with someone one day, and hunting them for sport the next.
I think a lot of my anger can be traced to everything sucking
you wanted smooth sailing and I've always been a tsunami
Native American Indians didn't want their pictures taken because it would steal their soul.
Selfies have proven that theory correct.
It's cute how my wife likes to buy things with her little slush fund also known as my paycheck...
I want to go back to a time before life got all complicated
-You mean like childhood?
No, I mean like before I got out of bed this morning
Sorry I quoted Top Gun during sex but I was inverted.
[seat warmer settings]
NEVER USE YOUR BALLS AGAIN
It's my oldest kid's bday so I've been reminiscing on that happy morning, 12 years ago, when my vagina was still in perfect condition.
It seems when I mention that “I’m a happy person”, people take it as a challenge.
Its really cute how pedestrians confuse "right of way" with immortality.
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Explict Content. Do not follow if under the age of 18. No follow holla's. No 4Sq. Get off my porch.
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