If you're up first and don't make coffee, fuck off.

Eating lunch alone in cafeteria at work does not make me pathetic. Pretending to have lively conversation on cell while doing so might.

Don't tell me I don't have my shit together on a day I have neither toothpaste nor deodorant on my shirt.

So who do you think started saying supposably and why do you think it stuck with stupid people?

Bailing family members out of jail on weekends always means my story can probably top your story Monday morning at work.

Stop it people who say "at the end of the day" 553 times in a conversation. Just stop it.

Since I am drunk tweeting, can we please talk about how easy it is to give a tweet a motherfucking star?

Coworker just called me tiny and got all weirded out when I hand knitted her an I Love You sweater.

Not sure which was meaner; not telling the gal who walked out of the restroom with skirt tucked in panties or telling the 3 people I passed.

Nothing says I give up quite like leaving the house with wet hair, braless.

Morning FM radio gives me a toothache in my vagina.

I think enough time has passed that I can admit I still haven't figured out what a Hollaback Girl is.

Confession. When I say "I'm not a player I just crush a lot", I don't really know what that means.

If you add the word Fuck dramatically and put. A. Period.After.Every.Fucking.Word. For some sort of effect, people RT you.Every.Fucking.Time

Leaving voicemails for prospects or customers is about as effective as windshield wipers on a goats ass.

I cannot fathom what these ladies eat that cause the office restroom to smell like a nursing home by 9am each day.

Another fact: I tend to dismiss you as a human being if you don't get random Seinfeld references.

If you have a wolf mural on the tailgate of your truck it's only fitting you have a dream catcher on your mirror, because spiritual.

Being cordial to these other softball moms would be so much easier if I had wine. And was cordial.

I was just asked by the producers of Sanford & Son The Sequel if they could use my backyard to shoot some footage for the shows opening song