every time I see a crying baby, my ovaries point and laugh.

Today, I'm feeling crazy. Not serial killer crazy, but run naked through the streets with a machete crazy.

Yesterday my stepsister told me smoking weed can trigger schizophrenia. I hope she's wrong, but the CIA keeps telling me she's lying.

Yeah, I got daddy issues, but at least that means I won't get all attached and shit.

Sometimes it's more satisfying to desire someone than to actually have them.

nothing screams class more than smoking a joint while taking a shit.

It's about time we make up words that rhyme with orange, silver, purple and month. Because no word should have that much power.

"I hate when there is no excuse to drink" - my new excuse to drink.

Does any one know the best way to remove sharpie from skin? I have a dick on my arm splooging into my hand that needs removal by Monday.

Tonight I am drinking with a purpose. What purpose, you ask? To get pants-shitting drunk.

Sometimes men lose their appeal after I fuck them.

I dont need love or romance, I'm just looking for filthy, impassioned, painfully pleasurable, mind blowing sex.

i wanna be a cat lady when i grow up. but instead of have 100 cats, im going to have 1. and im gunna wear him around my neck as a scarf.

Don't rush failure, it happens naturally.

Congress should pass a law that burgers automatically come with fries.

True love means pooping with the door open.

I only have time for 4 things in life: weed, booze, sex and cheese.

I tattooed one-way street above my ass, but I didn't shit for 2 months & had to get it removed.

I can see your swamp ass through those khakis.

Rihanna and Chris Brown remixed each other's songs, hopefully he doesn't remix her face again.