a good fairy godmother carries Plan B pills just in case her princess has too many margaritas

In the spirit of DiGiorno, I'm marketing water in ice cube trays that you take home and freeze yourself.

HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!! #pitbullsrule @kaleycuoco @angie_harmon @angelcitypits pic.twitter.com/I5P1486vR2

not saying i'm addicted to my iphone but i keep pressing the spacebar twice on my laptop and no period shows up see what i mean?

"Hitler's promising art career tragically cut short." - CNN in 1945

Life sanity tip: Either get a dog that is the same color as your couch, or a couch that is the same color as your dog.

For those looking for #Steubenville RTs, many being deleted. Screenshots here:
Post 1:  http://tmblr.co/ZPH5vtgUUmBG 
Post 2:  http://tmblr.co/ZPH5vtgW5H18 

This nuanced summary of the #Steubenville rape case by @danwetzel is a must read:  http://j.mp/Z7Wlfq 

Straight talk, boys. If you’re out having fun and a girl drinks too much and passes out, your one and only job is to get her home safely.

The danger in being yourself is that people may not like you. Of course, they won't like the person you pretend to be either, so fuck them.

Good thing I'm not a told ya so kind of person or I might point out that 10 years ago today I said GWB was full of bull and I was right.

My wife has tampons that are called “Always.” I think that if I had to menstruate I would prefer a brand called something like “Rarely.”

#YouMightBeARepublican if you call me a 'taker', then take away my job, my baby's formula, my kid's school lunch and my mother's medicine

"5 Hour Energy" is a weird amount of energy. "Be awake for a little more than half of work!" Or, "Get buzzed for 2 movies plus 15 minutes!"

Yup. RT @howester: Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

A serious tweet. My friend's friend is being held in a Cuban jail and needs help getting out.  http://www.bringalanhome.org/ 

Ann Romney sd she blamed media 4unfairly treating her husband. They portrayed Mitt as "rich and out-of-touch." Uh, yeah... #UniteBlue #47%

Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.

#TheBenShow re-airs tonight at 11pm on @comedycentral. Tweet me during the broadcast & I PROMISE to respond. RT this & I'll DM u a bad word.

Ever had one of these days? (photo) ->  http://i.imgur.com/aJPd6rO.gif