I wanna be Justin Bieber when I grow down.

My mom got a Twitter account. Which is like Stephen Hawking getting a stair-stepper.

One exciting thing about Twitter is that it blurs the line between writing in a diary & socializing, rendering many an introvert extroverted

No, Honey, when I say "good morning", I'm not greeting you; I'm bragging.

30 years from now, there will be hipster-themed school dances and halloween costumes.

Think about that.

Sometimes you just gotta take your pants off and get back in bed.

Bloggers: every time you call something "ugly" because its too different from the other clothes you wear, you kill fashion a little.

It's Dame Maggie Smith's birthday you idiot, you can't wear that top on Dame Maggie Smith's birthday, jesus christ

Babies are tired of explaining who she is. That's why they keep telling us to Google GaGa.

@noahWG New study in my apartment suggests mental decline begins around age 21

Texting my boyfriend Mean Girls quotes because thats how gay people show each other they care.

GAYEST TWITTER TIMELINE EVAR

Sometimes I forget that there are guys that like girls.

OH NO I MISSED @ANDERSONCOOPER'S BIRTHDAY SHIT SHIT SHIT DO YOU THINK BROOKS BROTHERS IS STILL OPEN MEN LIKE TIES RIGHT SHIT

Powerwalking down Michigan Avenue with a Burberry shopping bag like some kind of goddamn gay dream

My tweet-writing process: "I'm really" (delete all) "You know that" (delete all) "Feelings." (delete all) (exit Twitter)

I always feel like I should eat Nature Valley granola bars over the open mouth of a second hungry person

Let's just take all of these bad chemistry jokes and barium

Just saw someone rollerblading. Moment of silence.

Changing into something more weather-appropriate. *wraps netting around naked body*