I'm of the opinion that marijuana should be legalized, but blathering on about how much you love it should be outlawed.

I'm similar to a male seahorse in the following ways: 1.) cool hair 2.) baby pouch 3.) never seen an owl up close

If Arnold Palmer offers you an "Arnold Palmer," DO NOT DRINK IT.

Just bought my "Puffin Walking In On His Wife And Best Friend Fucking" costume. http://t.co/M9ycdak0

Nude sunrise yoga session interrupted by a couple assholes who just HAD to have their precious back booth at Denny's. #Ugh

Just discovered that the "floaties" in my eyes are the sea monkeys I lost when I was nine! Hey Paul! Hey Maureen! Oh...hello, Jeremy.

Before you talk, listen. Before you redact, shrink. Beforb you criticsize, weight. Befarr yo prame, forglop. Beef you squit, shry. Glaaaaab.

Every time I get dressed I make sure I take a second to ask myself, "How will this look stepping out of a time machine?"

Just ruined my pants sitting on a tomato I mistook for a tiny beanbag chair. :(

Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.

For God's sake please dance like EVERY SINGLE PERSON IS WATCHING.

Sometimes in the shower I like to pretend my testicles are lovers embracing under a glorious waterfall. Also, they're trapped in bag.

I don't find it funny when my proctologist waggles his index finger and says, "rectum" in his Danny-from-"The Shining" voice.

Think of how terrifying an actual cookie monster would be.

Sometimes I'll walk nude around my neighborhood carrying an old VCR and tell people I just arrived in a time machine.

When people call me a "simpleton" I'm all like, "What that noise you make from your eating hole?" Then I gaze at the sun for an hour.

Sometimes I pee lying on my back, and for a split second it's like I'm floating in space. Everything after that split second is terrible.

A message to black belts age three and under: I feel like I have what it takes to beat you.

WHY DOES MY LAPTOP GET SO GODDAMN HOT ON MY LAP SOMETIMES??!!! Oh. Never mind. It's my toaster.

“Bring Your Owl To Work Day” is not going well in this crowded elevator.