@trumpetcake I drink all of my Big Gulps from a Tuba. Through the end you blow into.

@trumpetcake Do you know this one with Mary from a couple years ago?  http://www.vice.com/read/mary-karr-643-v17n12 …

I love @trumpetcake and @mrdavehill. #Thoughtful #Blessed

@trumpetcake Thank you, Ted!

I usually don't talk much on Twitter about what "revs my engine" but this is hot stuff! … http://womaninflatesaballoonandsitsonitandpopsit.com/ 

Was just finishing up my awesome new comic book "Sideburns Knifehands" when someone told me about Wolverine. God Dammit!

@trumpetcake you call it a harmonica, I call it a corrugated dildo

@trumpetcake DID SOMEONE SAY PUDDING?!?! pic.twitter.com/EoAZGTcmC4

This Memorial Day weekend is a great time to reflect on our country and wonder why we haven't invented "Pizza Bun" Hot Dog Buns yet.

@trumpetcake Thanks for this, Ted. I like Mary's work very much and her interviews kill me. @marykarrlit

Reebok pumps but it's a distress signal that calls your mom.

When are you guys gonna break up? When you do, can I have your Dale Earnhardt Jr. Collectors Beer Koozies?

Pineapple earrings: Death threat or brain damage?

#throwbackthursday When I was briefly pretending to be "sporty", circa 1989. pic.twitter.com/MmdOPA6EU5

I need like a talisman to ward off vampires, only it's for people who invite me to watch them "spin", "DJ" or "mix".

Guys who excessively mention how much they love their mother always strike me as the type to treat everybody else like garbage.

If Make-A-Wish for adults who aren't dying existed, I'd wish for the POTUS to call me "foxy" in a handwritten note.  http://jezebel.com/check-out-17-year-old-president-barack-obamas-adorable-509484944 …

Just 89 more followers until I still don't own a washing machine.

You're "bored?" Maybe you have a tumor preventing you worrying about all the flaws in your life, health and appearance like a normal person.

Pound cake is the best dessert name that also orders you to do something.