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Me: I am sad, we don't have any cookie crumble for my ice cream.
Wife: lots of things make me sad, like being married to a giant man baby
If naps had a taste, I bet they'd be so delicious.
No DM in your bio?
I'll DM you a recipe for oatmeal raisin cookies.
I don't give a fuck
Pew pew pew *blows finger gun*
Coworker: what are you doing?!
Me: you are dead, why are you still talking to me?
73 new emails.
*select all* *delete*
Work is easy.
I am Canadian! All we do is apologize.
I am sorry for posting this.
Unless your kid's fundraiser is selling bottles of liquor, I want no part of it.
Furniture that you purchase and have to assemble it, should be called, Divorce in a box
If you don't do character voices while you read your kids bedtime stories, you pretty much are an asshole.
"Because I am a fucking Ninja" is not an acceptable way to explain the reasoning of your decisions at work. Or at least I was just told.
My Mom's superpower is being able to turn what should be a 2 minute story into a 45 minute one.
An EpiPen, but for feelings.
Wife: So what is this Twitter I keep hearing about, are you on there?
Me: They shut that site down a few weeks ago to disinterest.
Sometimes I look up from my phone while driving and think "Where the fuck am I ?"
I wrote the book on procrastination...
Well it's not quite finished yet.
"You rugged son of a bitch" - Me, after I open a jar of pickles.
Think about it.. Glow in the dark Oreos.
For when they fall under the couch.
I like visiting wifey while she is at work.
She does not yell at me there.
"You mad bro?"
Not the best thing to bust out when having a serious argument with your spouse, apparently.
Offend everyone. That way you are not singling out certain people.