Me: I am sad, we don't have any cookie crumble for my ice cream.
Wife: lots of things make me sad, like being married to a giant man baby

No DM in your bio?
I'll DM you a recipe for oatmeal raisin cookies.
I don't give a fuck

Pew pew pew *blows finger gun*

Coworker: what are you doing?!

Me: you are dead, why are you still talking to me?

I am Canadian! All we do is apologize.

I am sorry for posting this.

If naps had a taste, I bet they'd be so delicious.

Furniture that you purchase and have to assemble it, should be called, Divorce in a box

"Because I am a fucking Ninja" is not an acceptable way to explain the reasoning of your decisions at work. Or at least I was just told.

My Mom's superpower is being able to turn what should be a 2 minute story into a 45 minute one.

73 new emails.

*select all* *delete*

Work is easy.

If you don't do character voices while you read your kids bedtime stories, you pretty much are an asshole.

Wife: So what is this Twitter I keep hearing about, are you on there?

Me: They shut that site down a few weeks ago to disinterest.

An EpiPen, but for feelings.

I wrote the book on procrastination...

Well it's not quite finished yet.

I like visiting wifey while she is at work.

She does not yell at me there.

Think about it.. Glow in the dark Oreos.
For when they fall under the couch.

After the zombie apocalypse, Canadians will still be able to keep their beer cold.
Your move, USA.

Sometimes I look up from my phone while driving and think "Where the fuck am I ?"

"You mad bro?"

Not the best thing to bust out when having a serious argument with your spouse, apparently.

I often wish I had my own theme song that played whenever I entered rooms

"You rugged son of a bitch" - Me, after I open a jar of pickles.