The argument "Jesus must have existed because so many things were written about him" makes me want to go to New York to meet Spiderman.

-Honey, did you come?
-Yeah, like ten times!

Sargasm

A digital camera with a fake shutter sound is like a car with a prerecorded gallop connected to the accelerator.

I think I found a typo in the Book of Mormon. It's in the title.

I want to hire a German proofreader just so that I could call him Otto Correct.

I opened the door and a big moth got in. A really big moth. A behemoth.

The problem with working at Pfizer is that most of your work related mail ends up in the spam folder.

The concept of Heaven is absurd. It’s a club you must be selfless to enter but selfish enough to enjoy while others burn in Hell.

If I could replace masturbation with meditation I'd be Dalai Lama by June.

Just my luck!I The moment I was about to finalize an extremely profitable deal with a Nigerian prince suddenly Gmail goes down.

DM: You've been following me for a month and haven't starred a single tweet.

Answer: My mistake. I'll fix it immediately.

UNFOLLOW

Every picture is NSFW if you are a bus driver.

Being the only one to star a tweet is like a sudden silence in a noisy party exactly the moment you decide to say "I love you".

The problem with being the Antichrist is that everyone can guess your pin number.

Keep your Facebook friends on Facebook and your Twitter friends on Twitter. And your relatives locked up in the basement. Old Greek proverb.

There's a guy at the gym I can tell he's fallen for every spam mail he ever got.

His penis is 9 feet long.

No matter how I tried I never found God. God needs Church Engine Optimization.

I am against alternative medicine cause acupuncture killed my ex girlfriend.

OK she was an inflatable doll but still.

Never star a tweet about reverse psychology.

Calling atheism a religion is like saying that not giving a damn about football is a football team.