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stupid goldfish. he just used his little jedi mind trick & made me feed him without even knowing. & i really wanted that cheeseburger, too
debating whether I should put half a tank of gas in the car or buy Favstar's Bonus Features
Is there an eloquent way of listing yourself as an "amateur favstar tweeter who couldnt get retweeted to save his ass" on your resume?
my cat thinks I can't see her throwing gang signs at the birds outside the window
Nothing kills the mood faster than a bisexual goldfish staring at u from across the room while ur trying to rub one out.
For Halloween I'm putting my house on the sex offender registry list of homes. Keep those lil shits away!
My 100% off coupon by staying home trumps any craft store's 51% off coupon. Suck it, craft stores!
5 days since I put up this bird feeder & no birds. Gonna put up a "FREE BIRD SEED" sign & hope The RoadRunner doesn't show up & eat it all!
I think this weekend I'm going to the Comic Con and setting up a booth as a "Non-Virgin." Autographs and speeches will surely ensue.
Saw this Asian daddy at the gym, and much to my surprise, his privates weren't all pixelated or blurred when he got naked!
My preachy neighbor upstairs said I forget the true meaning of Christmas. So, for the holidays I'm nailing her to a pine tree with lights.
Got an unsweetened iced tea from McDonalds & now I'm questioning the meaning of MY life.
There's the people who hate Mondays, and the people who make other people hate Mondays. I'm surrounded by the 2nd half of that group.
Wisdom Tweet:
3 people having sex = threesome.
2 people having sex = twosome.
Now I know why they call me handsome.
Never seen anyone I could call "powerful gay" till I saw the guy selling me Skittles at the theater.
The apartment is friggin cold! How long before I can declare my balls legally missing?
Just a Redneck Mexican living The Dream near these here Blue Ridge Mountains.
