If Dave Matthews was in the woods, and there was no one around to hear him play, did the tree fall on him?

@solomongeorgio I think So£omon is more appropriate.

I demand that @michaelianblack and Tom be locked in a room, forced to eat snacks and crank out more podcasts. Forever.

@punchingonpaper Just finished your book. Where'd the ending go?

The only way my husband's surprise was going to be worth leaving the house tonight, was if it were to see @birbigs. It is!!

Turns out, I'm not too dissimilar to the old pervert standing in front of Applebee's.

Got away with buying a bunch of stuff by telling my fiancé how much money I saved. It'll work for you, too!!

iRIP

How successful my day is, is directly related to whether or not I had to put pants on. Today was a success.

I can't tell which I like better: eating or being thin?!?

I love that my AT+T iPhone immediately recognizes a call as important and instantly hangs up. So cool.

I'm mad my fiance's version of working from home actually means working from home and not goofing off with me.

'the rent is too damn high' guy is wandering the mean rich streets of Fort Greene, Brooklyn.

"Oh, pardon me! I have the alti-tooties!" -boyfriends mom after passing gas at 8000 ft.

At least you don't squirt ink out of your butt as a defense mechanism. That would be so embarrassing. Or awesome.

This cable guy is a huge anus.

Just crushed a cardboard box; along with it my cat's hopes and dreams.

The pizza here is so good; even for breakfast. It's like I've never had pizza before.

That woman's pants are working hard.

I am really going to miss my car when we move to NY. I'll miss impressing standers-by with my sweet parallel parking skills.