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  • twasturbating
      Ashley Dean @twasturbating

    Nothing beats a beautiful woman with a great singing voice, except Chris Brown.

    • 84
    • FAVS
    TotallyUnfunnyserialmatrixDallaninaazihahnikstylesColleendespina____tyturkfulasterikonit
    • 37
    • RETWEETS
    BarbaricEric1heidigroomJaySaysStuffSwagDiggidyICnSmellUrBundtSusanHGeeson74An_dubbB0MBS_____________
  • twasturbating
      Ashley Dean @twasturbating

    This pizza is undercooked but I'm still eating it, and that feels like a metaphor for my past few relationships.

    • 73
    • FAVS
    serialmatrixDallaninikstylesJaySaysStuffKenbot1976lacybronze1MeliaEdwardsrandomover2
    • 29
    • RETWEETS
    thestef_funnyTerisFreeBeerJaySaysStuffedl0311gingerfacedEHumphrieatombobadumstskelton
    thefinevariety
  • twasturbating
      Ashley Dean @twasturbating

    Homeless or hipster? I solved the riddle. Check if their Starbucks is full of change or soy latte.

    • 63
    • FAVS
    TotallyUnfunnyjwenoserialmatrixDallanityturkfulasterikonitJaySaysStuffKenbot1976
    • 39
    • RETWEETS
    JaySaysStuffARMBREAKER713RealShaughnMackenzieRaeXo__edl0311CON_enterpriseFavstar500FavsJJJUUAANNN
  • twasturbating
      Ashley Dean @twasturbating

    Faking orgasms is like giving straight A's to a moron. It might get them through high school, maybe college, but after that they're screwed.

    • 41
    • FAVS
    NathanNiceGuyserialmatrixDallaninaazihahkrthom03AlyceNeverlandJaySaysStuffkmmXIII
    • 29
    • RETWEETS
    CoachVanaeEbs_AVIDTheLetterJoolsryananswersJaySaysStuffReaver362sunshinekillvHappy_Hetaira
  • twasturbating
      Ashley Dean @twasturbating

    I still think twerking means tweeting while working, and no one has yet to tell me otherwise.

    • 35
    • FAVS
    CRRwritesTotallyUnfunnyAmishPornStar1serialmatrixDallanikelkulusFoxphorousVenusRockHobbit
    • 29
    • RETWEETS
    CRRwritesKostandinia______TotallyUnfunnycuzeyeuhhSameerahDollVICTORd856rauls2coolnaazihah
  • twasturbating
      Ashley Dean @twasturbating

    Someone told me it was grammatically incorrect to say it's *literally* freezing outside so I stabbed them to death with my nipples.

    • 35
    • FAVS
    serialmatrixDallaniWoodyLuvsCoffeeJaySaysStufflacybronze1lovelyjessijjb197100gingerfaced
    • 18
    • RETWEETS
    JaySaysStuffjb197100gingerfacedAnwitiSingh3CardTrickEHumphriePhenix_86________atombobadum
    atombobadum
  • twasturbating
      Ashley Dean @twasturbating

    Sometimes I miss high school so I carry around a water bottle of rum and finger myself in the handicapped washroom at Burger King.

    • 36
    • FAVS
    TotallyUnfunnyKJAdams1988asterikonitJaySaysStuffnikstylesPoopKissesVynomousdrummerlacybronze1
    • 12
    • RETWEETS
    BexwaasterikonitJaySaysStuffcrassmamagingerfacedAnothrGayJustinReverend_Scottkillgill_
  • twasturbating
      Ashley Dean @twasturbating

    You text him but he doesn't texted back? Obviously he was so excited you texted him that he fainted. Obviously.

    • 31
    • FAVS
    nikstylesstekellVHang_VGKenbot1976gingerfacedimcalebtLunatic_timespartiallypro
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    Alex_VanHookJimmywibbles______flavourmbiliSpartan_Killer___geniuskhanNowYouSeeHerReverend_Scottcr23po
  • twasturbating
      Ashley Dean @twasturbating

    OK, who took a shit in a 9 year old girl's closet, put a wig on it and called it Nikki Minaj?

    • 26
    • FAVS
    Bookgirlxo____Kenbot1976omyhelltexasweethangOverstreetJimmyMrNoLaughsyou_B_yougingerfaced
    • 10
    • RETWEETS
    AlanAllin88MrNoLaughsgingerfacedHaute_MILFReverend_ScottNouveauBrokesupersingaIvanMcBlair01
  • twasturbating
      Ashley Dean @twasturbating

    Tempted to mass text my exes, "First one to bring me a screwdriver to build my dining table gets to bend me over it."

    • 30
    • FAVS
    TotallyUnfunnyallisonjabootyTrebamskyalexthegaiterfemiaddamsUnicornsH8brosmightymondoCoueylicious
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    UnicornsH8brosReverend_Scottcheesepuffs_
  • twasturbating
      Ashley Dean @twasturbating

    My phone just vibrated and my best friend goes, "Ooh, looks like a boy!" It was Twitter.

    • 26
    • FAVS
    lacybronze1shesananteaterJamieGreenleesLeAnn0224gingerfacedTomSchallyLunatic_timespartiallypro
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    gingerfacedash_pfaffDenisPchelkin1kelsey_marieesuper_morgasmCrackedIllusion
  • twasturbating
      Ashley Dean @twasturbating

    I eat a lot of bread and pasta because there was an "I Hate Ashley" club in elementary school so I know exactly how gluten feels.

    • 23
    • FAVS
    stekellgingerfacedLunatic_timesBrentweetsFuzzyPimplecixelsidgod______primawesomeKid_topher
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    gingerfacedReverend_ScottsnarkJAR__________Jimmywibbles______Cool_JesseJaySaysStuff
  • twasturbating
      Ashley Dean @twasturbating

    A gust of wind nearly lifted my shirt off this morning. I think that means God is DTF.

    • 24
    • FAVS
    TotallyUnfunnyMinnieCooke__ErinKathleen3Kenbot1976gingerfacedYour_Boy_Dylanleslierobles71hugh_gm
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    gingerfacedTomSchallyAshamedDogNowYouSeeHerReverend_Scott
    TomSchally
  • twasturbating
      Ashley Dean @twasturbating

    WHEN I'M THIS EXHAUSTED IT MAKES SENSE TO TYPE EVERYTHING IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE IT FEELS LIKE ALL MY THOUGHTS ARE SCREAMING ANYWAY.

    • 19
    • FAVS
    Bookgirlxo____VHang_VGISOremarkablegingerfacedclarevpugh_____coursouvrakelkulusBrentweets
    • 8
    • RETWEETS
    mysteria13gingerfacedAntoinette_VanH_coursouvraReverend_Scottyeah_andcheesepuffs_IAmJakeSauvage
  • twasturbating
      Ashley Dean @twasturbating

    Women who don't put out on the first date aren't respectable, we just have a higher tolerance for alcohol & you didn't order enough drinks.

    • 17
    • FAVS
    naazihahmarmar91Young_Amadeacmtvodka__________RawdnehFrogface1952Bayou_BarbieChlo_emistry
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    masonnadelaRawdnehFrogface1952Chlo_emistryReverend_Scottedl0311LibbyParrattDCarrafiello
  • twasturbating
      Ashley Dean @twasturbating

    Fine, I'll concede that Nickelback is Canadian, but these things are American:

    1) Fans of Nickelback

    • 19
    • FAVS
    naazihahYour_Boy_DylanmightyweaklingPascalSlothsKenbot1976TomSchallyLunatic_timesimrel0ad
    • 7
    • RETWEETS
    Kenbot1976CourtneyStults1Reverend_ScottScotRoseYaBoatJimmywibbles______caitlinadele___GarnishedInGold
  • twasturbating
      Ashley Dean @twasturbating

    Don't leave your followers hanging. If you tweet your meals, you better be tweeting your bowel movements too.

    • 19
    • FAVS
    CoueyliciousBobbyBucchaePeachesDecarloLunatic_timesOConnellComedyfragile_soulscixelsidgod______snarkJAR__________
    • 6
    • RETWEETS
    CoueyliciousReverend_Scottcixelsidgod______Jimmywibbles_______workbxtchEliotIsDead
  • twasturbating
      Ashley Dean @twasturbating

    I didn't shave for nothing. Bring beer.

    • 17
    • FAVS
    naazihahthesupergrobiJuddsKiddingCatHereinRIfemiaddamsericsshadowbleakjustinwaddupkells
    • 5
    • RETWEETS
    sunshinekillvJkphmwaddupkellsReverend_ScottRoyLungeJr
  • twasturbating
      Ashley Dean @twasturbating

    OK, I thought Peyton Manning was a female contestant on the Bachelor but now I'm getting the impression that he may be a football player.

    • 16
    • FAVS
    stekelltatsabratericsshadownonsensetwit______LookAwayMomDadcixelsidgod______naazihahGarnishedInGold
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    Reverend_ScottJaySaysStuffIAmJakeSauvage
  • twasturbating
      Ashley Dean @twasturbating

    Those last few minutes when the pizza might be free, then the driver comes on time and you're bummed but also cheerful because pizza.

    • 15
    • FAVS
    naazihahVHang_VGKenbot1976TomSchallyLunatic_timesmarisleeAllTheUglyTruthpeachey_keen
    • 3
    • RETWEETS
    Reverend_ScottJimmywibbles______cheesepuffs_
@twasturbating

@twasturbating

I'm a writer, not a blogger—but tweeting is more like masturbating in public. My interests include neuropsychology, metaphysics, philanthropy & depraved humour.