This pizza is undercooked but I'm still eating it, and that feels like a metaphor for my past few relationships.

Homeless or hipster? I solved the riddle. Check if their Starbucks is full of change or soy latte.

Nothing beats a beautiful woman with a great singing voice, except Chris Brown.

Someone told me it was grammatically incorrect to say it's *literally* freezing outside so I stabbed them to death with my nipples.

You text him but he doesn't texted back? Obviously he was so excited you texted him that he fainted. Obviously.

Sometimes I miss high school so I carry around a water bottle of rum and finger myself in the handicapped washroom at Burger King.

I eat a lot of bread and pasta because there was an "I Hate Ashley" club in elementary school so I know exactly how gluten feels.

My phone just vibrated and my best friend goes, "Ooh, looks like a boy!" It was Twitter.

OK, who took a shit in a 9 year old girl's closet, put a wig on it and called it Nikki Minaj?

WHEN I'M THIS EXHAUSTED IT MAKES SENSE TO TYPE EVERYTHING IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE IT FEELS LIKE ALL MY THOUGHTS ARE SCREAMING ANYWAY.

Don't leave your followers hanging. If you tweet your meals, you better be tweeting your bowel movements too.

Fine, I'll concede that Nickelback is Canadian, but these things are American:

1) Fans of Nickelback

I still think twerking means tweeting while working, and no one has yet to tell me otherwise.

Faking orgasms is like giving straight A's to a moron. It might get them through high school, maybe college, but after that they're screwed.

A gust of wind nearly lifted my shirt off this morning. I think that means God is DTF.

Tempted to mass text my exes, "First one to bring me a screwdriver to build my dining table gets to bend me over it."

I just watched a video on how to open a jar with duct tape and I feel really independent right now. Also, I got a new vibrator.

So far was autocorrected to so fat when I mentioned going out to get food, so even my iPhone thinks I've put on little weight.

Fell asleep in the bathtub with many unattended, lit candles. My insurance premiums should be so much higher.

I don't like when takeout places ask me how many forks I need like, "Hey fatty, are you sure all this food is just for you?"