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This pizza is undercooked but I'm still eating it, and that feels like a metaphor for my past few relationships.
Homeless or hipster? I solved the riddle. Check if their Starbucks is full of change or soy latte.
Faking orgasms is like giving straight A's to a moron. It might get them through high school, maybe college, but after that they're screwed.
I still think twerking means tweeting while working, and no one has yet to tell me otherwise.
Someone told me it was grammatically incorrect to say it's *literally* freezing outside so I stabbed them to death with my nipples.
Sometimes I miss high school so I carry around a water bottle of rum and finger myself in the handicapped washroom at Burger King.
You text him but he doesn't texted back? Obviously he was so excited you texted him that he fainted. Obviously.
OK, who took a shit in a 9 year old girl's closet, put a wig on it and called it Nikki Minaj?
Tempted to mass text my exes, "First one to bring me a screwdriver to build my dining table gets to bend me over it."
My phone just vibrated and my best friend goes, "Ooh, looks like a boy!" It was Twitter.
I eat a lot of bread and pasta because there was an "I Hate Ashley" club in elementary school so I know exactly how gluten feels.
A gust of wind nearly lifted my shirt off this morning. I think that means God is DTF.
Fine, I'll concede that Nickelback is Canadian, but these things are American:
1) Fans of Nickelback
WHEN I'M THIS EXHAUSTED IT MAKES SENSE TO TYPE EVERYTHING IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE IT FEELS LIKE ALL MY THOUGHTS ARE SCREAMING ANYWAY.
Women who don't put out on the first date aren't respectable, we just have a higher tolerance for alcohol & you didn't order enough drinks.
Don't leave your followers hanging. If you tweet your meals, you better be tweeting your bowel movements too.
I didn't shave for nothing. Bring beer.
OK, I thought Peyton Manning was a female contestant on the Bachelor but now I'm getting the impression that he may be a football player.
Those last few minutes when the pizza might be free, then the driver comes on time and you're bummed but also cheerful because pizza.
I'm a writer, not a blogger—but tweeting is more like masturbating in public. My interests include behavioural psychology, philanthropy & depraved humour.
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