You put the dead in dickhead.

They say variety is the spice of life. What they really mean is that Twitter is.

Your generosity is either balls deep or just the tip. Pfft.

Careful now, I choose my panties very selectively when I’m in a bad mood.

I’m not selfish enough otherwise my needs would be met.

I have no sense of direction unless the destination is penis.

Always just be yourself. Except in bed.

By adding a finger just at the right time, you’ll become the master of my domain.

I only tolerate your bad behavior because I’m horny.

If our farts smell the same we can be a couple.

Raising teens is aging. I can literally feel the skin pulling tighter around my eyes. Pffft.

You’re very good looking but also cute looking so nobody will fuck you seriously.

When I want sex, either get out of my way or pull your pants down.

Eating after sex is exhausting, I don’t know why people want sandwiches.

You put the portion in penis size.

So cute how my cats beg for bacon.

Instead of mumbling 10 words to me when you see me, how about making it 5, cunt.

The hornier you behave the less likely you are to be getting any.

People only listen to love songs because they hope the words aren’t lies.

@soapyjohnson omg! Thanks for the awesome ToTD!! X

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