Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?

Someone just gave me a candy bar. I think I'll eat half now and save the other half for a minute from now.

I never win at Scrable.

I can't quote it verbatim, but the mimes have a saying that goes something like this:

Subway sandwiches increase in value after the sandwich artist dies.

Facebook is adding a video chat feature. Finally, I may be able to get visual proof that Becky is tired.

"Seems like there is never a way." ~ Jose

I'm not saying your dumb. I'm saying you're dumb.

I’m offering a $1000 reward to anyone who brings me $1000 and a taco.

Infinity doesn't end well.

"I heard a Coldplay song on the radio today. " ~ Guy with no fingers

Nothing screams sophistication like the "Rrrrip" of a Velcro wallet.

The official mineral of Twitter is amirite.

I'm not saying the Internet at this hotel is slow but if you're reading this tweet, it's likely 2016.

"I'll be back" --Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume

It's always a good idea to leave a little extra room in your garbage can in case someone gives you a Coldplay CD.

I just drank a fifth of bacon.

You're supposed to wash arugula before throwing it away, right?

The worst thing about getting hit in the face with Pi is it never ends.

I finally had my first 50 star tweet.

#TweetsFromTheYear2025