Gave my kids a dollar to eat a hot pepper. This is good parenting because they need to learn not to do stupid shit for just a dollar.

Pool guy knocked on my door and asked to use the restroom. If my knowledge of porn is correct, I am supposed to have sex with him now.

I will never refer to myself as a Cougar. The word I prefer is Varsity.

Me to husband: I made you roast with carrots, potatoes, rice & gravy, creditcardbillcame, and dessert. Sit, sit. Let me get you a cold beer.

There is nothing more unconditional than the love given by a child who is trying to get ungrounded.

My safe word is Getthatthingawayfrommybutthole.

I've never told so many secrets to people yet never seen their face. Twitter is so Catholic!

I do not take meds because I am crazy. I take them because they allow me to tolerate the crazy people I cannot change.

If they cancel school anymore this month I will consider them in violation of our joint custody agreement.

Parenting: Because feeling like you've fucked up your own life just isn't enough.

10 most influential tweeters and I follow none of them. I prefer to be influenced by you pot smoking, filthy talking, drunk masturbators.

I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.

Judged beauty pageant interviews tonight. My favorite was the girl who wants to become an anesthesiologist because she loves children.

My husbands code for wanting sex is "I need to relax"

Mine is "I need you to leave the house for a few hours"

Ladies: Either put your titties away or quit bitching about not being able to find a man who respects you.

There are going to be a shit ton of doctors named Destiny once all the strippers work their way through school.

Dear Karma,
As much as you seem to enjoy bending me over, I think you should start seeing other people.

Damn you twitter for making me care about the lives of imaginary people in my phone!!!!

About to watch a Samuel L Jackson movie. You know, the one where he says motherfucker a lot.

I'm going to start a list called "People I Follow" and then put everyone I follow on it.