Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
Nobody talks about pussy control. (You have no clue how sorry I am about that one)
I picked the type of candle I wanted once, long story short, I'm divorced.
If you really wanna take your Ramen game to the next level, open that little silver mouse pillow and pour that sand in it.
Old Navy Commercial Meeting: "How 'bout The Fonz humping a mannequin?" *Gets promotion to VP of Marketing*
"Thanks for calling Bowflex, this is Stuart!"
- Stu-man, I need the lat extension.
"Pumping the lats?"
- Hanging my dry cleaning, bro.
Alabama drops to #4 in the BCS standings……….. ROFL TIDE!
Ugh. Don't talk to me before I've punched someone who "hasn't had their coffee yet" in the face.
Waiter: Is everything ok here?
Me: No. My left arm isn't tingling.
Waiter: I'm sorry?
Me: GO ADD MORE CHEESE!
Sometimes I think if Rose would have been prettier, Jack may have held on a little longer.
The day I invent dark brown boxer briefs, we'll evolve into creatures that poop bleach.
Know how your kids annoy you at times and you just want a moment to be left alone?
I wish I could take back every time I felt that
Calm down white girls it's a pumpkin flavored latte, not the best fuck of your life.
So outraged. About what? Hard to say. Gimme a minute. Sleepy, too, though. Maybe I’ll just ride this one out.
Ladies, you don't have to dress like whores at Halloween.
I got candy at my house year round
Honk if you like being followed to work and beaten in front of your boss.
Manager of Financial Operations (MOFO) for my household. Married and a mother to daughters. Does not want to see pictures of your wang.