Nobody talks about pussy control. (You have no clue how sorry I am about that one)

I picked the type of candle I wanted once, long story short, I'm divorced.

If you really wanna take your Ramen game to the next level, open that little silver mouse pillow and pour that sand in it.

Old Navy Commercial Meeting: "How 'bout The Fonz humping a mannequin?" *Gets promotion to VP of Marketing*

"Thanks for calling Bowflex, this is Stuart!"
- Stu-man, I need the lat extension.
"Pumping the lats?"
- Hanging my dry cleaning, bro.

Alabama drops to #4 in the BCS standings……….. ROFL TIDE!

Ugh. Don't talk to me before I've punched someone who "hasn't had their coffee yet" in the face.

@billweirabc I have been appointed party planner for @tweetlbeee 's 40th birthday party, and she has requested you to be there.

Waiter: Is everything ok here?
Me: No. My left arm isn't tingling.
Waiter: I'm sorry?
Me: GO ADD MORE CHEESE!

@tweetlbeee We are fashionfuckingistas

Sometimes I think if Rose would have been prettier, Jack may have held on a little longer.

The day I invent dark brown boxer briefs, we'll evolve into creatures that poop bleach.

Know how your kids annoy you at times and you just want a moment to be left alone?

I wish I could take back every time I felt that

According to @tweetlbeee I am now gay, which also means I'm qualified to help her shop for undies so we are off to the thrift store. BBL

Calm down white girls it's a pumpkin flavored latte, not the best fuck of your life.

So outraged. About what? Hard to say. Gimme a minute. Sleepy, too, though. Maybe I’ll just ride this one out.

Ladies, you don't have to dress like whores at Halloween.

I got candy at my house year round

Honk if you like being followed to work and beaten in front of your boss.

@kleenex are the ghosts in your boxes that push the tissues out mean or nice?

@tweetlbeee Of course. Everyone knows you use the word "boobs".