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random dude just told me...Man, you look just like Vince Vaughn. I grabbed him and screamed swingers or couples retreat.. IT FUCKING MATTERS
I want to be in a situation that allows me to slide across the hood of my car and upon landing whisper menacingly "Que Pasa, Motherfuckers?"
just ate an apple for the first time in two decades without turning it into a weed pipe first. seems noteworthy.
Spent 45 mins having a stare off with this arrogant prick two tables down at Lunch. Then he got up and grabbed his blind person cane. Shit.
just got confirmation Dave Mathews is indeed barefoot at this precise moment and singing about something delicate
It's your own fault if you don't make the most of this silly, ironic and painfully beautiful life.
I would be so fucked if i had to fight other alpha males for the chance to have sex like they do in the wilderness.
When I get to a party I kick the front door down like a fucking boss and scream "Who wants tequila!"-Then i french kiss the closest person.
Has anybody ever sat behind the commentators at a baseball game and mouthed "Fuck you" over and over into the camera or will i be the first?
it's crappy being a guy. I will never have the opportunity to take nude, pregnant pictures of myself while my hubby cups my belly and shit
You think you know somebody and then you find out the whole time Mr. Bean could actually talk all those years.
Am I the only one that wants a piece of whatever that Caterpillar is smoking in ALICE IN WONDERLAND?
He's blue for fuck sake.
Sitting by a weed shop and waiting for customers to go inside. Then leaving a note on their windshield that says "We're watchn." Good times.
Sometimes I walk around the local mall food court and shout dead-eyed, "I see what's going on here!" Then I point ominously at peoples food.
NEWSFLASH: Hello Kitty is dead! I killed her. So no more weird Hello Kitty head pieces. No more iphone covers. Nothing. It's over. Forever.
Does anybody know what the code word for "into anal" is on the Christianmingle website in the bio section. Trying to wade through any prudes
Just finished writing my first choose your own adventure book. Spoiler alert: Either decision leads to anal.
As we begin the 1st stage of the apocalypse with the delivery of baby Snooki, I want to thank each of you for the time we had together.
Just complained to the manager at our local Chick-Fil-A that my chicken sandwich tasted like homophobia and that I wanted my money back.
I rarely eat people.
