@twistedpfister's (Uncle Twisted) most faved Tweets...
Give a man a fish he'll eat for a day. Teach him to fish he'll eat for a lifetime. Show a man a Vagina and he'll forget his own name.
I learned 2 things about dealing with women today. But they won't matter tomorrow when the rules change again.
To break the tension when I‘m standing next to a guy at the urinals, I look over, smile and politely say…‘Niiiice cock’.
Life is good until you realize you've emailed pictures of your wife and kids to your girlfriend, and pictures of your dick to your mom.
The abscence of my assistant has created a problem this morning. As an administrator, I've only been trained to take credit, not blame.
During times when I miss being married, I drive around with my GPS on full blast letting the female voice correct me with every wrong turn.
The neighbor told me I have 'that freshly fucked look'. I told her that I just finished signing another alimony check.
The two guys in the cubicles on either side of me are having a Fart war. And I'm stuck in the Crotch fire.
Please Mr.Cigarette Guy, don't throw your butts into the urinal. This makes them soggy and very hard to re-light.
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