People who live in glass houses, shouldn't be allowed to be ugly.

Give a man a fish he'll eat for a day. Teach him to fish he'll eat for a lifetime. Show a man a Vagina and he'll forget his own name.

Can someone just tell me how Twitter ends so I don't have finish all this reading.

I learned 2 things about dealing with women today. But they won't matter tomorrow when the rules change again.

Playing naked Twister by yourself is no fun...nor was it worth getting oiled up for.

If only I could breathe through my ears, I'd be a God among women.

To break the tension when I‘m standing next to a guy at the urinals, I look over, smile and politely say…‘Niiiice cock’.

Life is good until you realize you've emailed pictures of your wife and kids to your girlfriend, and pictures of your dick to your mom.

Thought my new girlfriend was still a virgin until realizing that in my excitement, I’d left her panties on.

During times when I miss being married, I drive around with my GPS on full blast letting the female voice correct me with every wrong turn.

Sad ✔

Desperate ✔

Lonely ✔

Sexless ✔

Dignity nowhere to be found ✔

Ready to brag about it all on Twitter ✔✔✔

The abscence of my assistant has created a problem this morning. As an administrator, I've only been trained to take credit, not blame.

The neighbor told me I have 'that freshly fucked look'. I told her that I just finished signing another alimony check.

Remember...if you're not good in bed, be funny.

Took my ex-GF's orgasms in to be appraised...they were fake.

The two guys in the cubicles on either side of me are having a Fart war. And I'm stuck in the Crotch fire.

I keep hearing that Karma is a bitch. I don't even know what she looks like.

I lost a boat load of followers this morning. I think they may have been here illegally.

I like to make my girlfriend laugh during sex, just to see the semen come out of her nose.

Oral B is my back up plan if Oral A isn't getting her off.