Retweeting your mentions is like masturbating on a public bus. Nobody enjoys it except you.

Truly amazing how a person you have never met can turn you on so much

If you haven't tweeted while on the toilet you don't belong on twitter

Funny how wedding rings kinda look like handcuffs.

my safe word is "holy shit that fucking hurt!"

I want to bang you like a trailer park screen door in a hurricane.

I'm straight but when I'm low on cash I'm not above going to the gay bar for free drinks.

Getting the distinct impression some of you may have anger, intimacy, drug, alcohol, daddy and sexual issues....

Just had a great eargasm, thank you Qtip

Friend just told me his wife is leaving him. Apparently "I call dibs" was not the response he was looking for.

"twat" is far too underused.

Can't get you off my mind. Nor do I want to stop thinking about you.

Was just told she only likes me for my pasta salad and my huge cock.

I'll take it.

It's always a good sign when she is still shaking and trembling 10 minutes later with big bambi eyes unsure what's happening to her.

One two three four five...six seven eight nine ten...eleven tweeellllllvvvvvee!!

Sesame St stuck in my head over 30 years now.

At 299 followers. Really hope my 300th is a female since they are getting an autographed mushroom stamp.

Swooped in, made her cum and swooped out. Think I'm a cape away from being a superhero

Made sloppy joes and tater tots for dinner.

Kickin it grade school up in here.

#confessions damn I love dirty girls

My follower count is dropping like its hot, dropping like its hot, dropping like its hot.