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Facebook needs a "Wow that's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard, you should be punched in the throat" button.
I used to have a cocaine problem but I overcame it through poverty.
Simon says jump.
Simon didn't say land, you're all out.
I hate it when my wife says my balls are the wrong size.
In case of emergency, fuck off.
My doctor told me that I should stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing...
If cockroaches can survive a nuclear explosion... then WTF is inside Raid?!
i hate it when i have something really intelligent to say and it looks like shjfdyvnmrf fjvyujfhjjkd jf jfvfgiogb fjrt, so i just delete it.
I tried to log onto my iPad today. Wouldn't work. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch. I don't own an iPad.
I don't hate you. I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence.
There is an annual sex doll race that takes place in Russia - Every year, blow up dolls are ridden like boats.
He's a legend, he won 3 piston cups
He did what in his cup?
I really have to stop taking days off work, it always costs me a friggin fortune.
I like eating eating the mosh between my toes.
Being a person is getting too complicated. Time to be a unicorn.
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap... must be his alarm system.
In a world gone mad, only a lunatic is truly insane.
imaginary guitar notes and imaginary vocals only exist in the imagination of the imaginer