Facebook needs a "Wow that's the dumbest fucking thing I've ever heard, you should be punched in the throat" button.

I used to have a cocaine problem but I overcame it through poverty.

Simon says jump.








Simon didn't say land, you're all out.

I hate it when my wife says my balls are the wrong size.

In case of emergency, fuck off.

My doctor told me that I should stop drinking...Then he told me to stop laughing...

If cockroaches can survive a nuclear explosion... then WTF is inside Raid?!

i hate it when i have something really intelligent to say and it looks like shjfdyvnmrf fjvyujfhjjkd jf jfvfgiogb fjrt, so i just delete it.

I tried to log onto my iPad today. Wouldn't work. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch. I don't own an iPad.

I don't hate you. I'm just not necessarily excited about your existence.

Photo:  http://tmblr.co/ZQufXuXJFdvJ 

There is an annual sex doll race that takes place in Russia - Every year, blow up dolls are ridden like boats.

He's a legend, he won 3 piston cups
He did what in his cup?

I really have to stop taking days off work, it always costs me a friggin fortune.

I like eating eating the mosh between my toes.

Photo: http://t.co/r3l13k1K

Good to see the wet weather hasn't affected CityRail. It is still just as unreliable as ever. #RT via @joe_hildebrand

Being a person is getting too complicated. Time to be a unicorn.

Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap... must be his alarm system.

In a world gone mad, only a lunatic is truly insane.