Sometimes I star your tweets and think about how at least we'll be going to hell together

I find that my typos bother me a lot less when compared to the glaring lifos I keep making.

I'm not a doctor but I'm pretty sure migraines happen when one personality in your brain kills off another.

Don't hate the playa
hate the way they say player

Yes my bf always holds my hand but it's not romantic, he just knows I'll wander off if I see a pretty butterfly.

I hate it when I am running out of lip balm and too much comes out of the tube at once and I have to waste it. Oh, and cancer.

When I see people knitting outside I like to yell "Get a loom!"

I'm going to start saying 'brouhaha' all the time because I want a thing and maybe my thing could be that everybody hates me.

I love traffic. It gives me time to work on my one arm tan and practice my seething.

I love my one star tweets the most because they make me feel like a minor cult favorite.

What I love about Twitter: I have an equal number of crushes on women, men, animals and inanimate objects.

I hate when people mistakenly think I have an accent instead of realizing I'm just pretentious.

You say Brazilian wax, I say Cameltoehawk.

I never considered typos to be that big of a deal until the day I dialed 921.

My superpower is the ability to find the worst item on any menu

Flies act all badass buzzing around up in you face until they get caught in a spider web and then they're all help me, help me. Pussies.

Starting to believe I bumped my head on the way out of the birth canal and haven't been the same since. For like 9 months I was awesome.

I love breakfast. Sometimes I go to bed early just so I can get to breakfast again faster.

I'd TOTALLY cry over spilt chocolate milk though

Lessened ability to think clearly combined with bigger boobs... PMS could be proof that man did create woman after all.