You should start your day with laughter...or porn...either way you'll have a better day.

It's no wonder pacman saw ghosts and shit, look how many pills that fucker was popping.

I like my steaks medium rare and my blow jobs well done. #ImAMan

I have no soul, but I have a pole, so let me mount your every hole. See, I'm totally a poet and shit.

Bullying wasn't a big deal when I was a kid because back then parents taught their kids how to deal with their problems...

I bought vajazzles thinking it was a sex toy, now I have rhinestones stuck to my cock for the next few days...

I'm a vaginal surgeon, I do so many of them that they call me "The Box Cutter" Sadly I'm not allowed on airplanes anymore...

One of the five people who just passed my office smelled heavily of baby powder and "God dont let them smell my anal leakage problem"

If I'm following you, it means that I want to do things to you that are illegal in 48 states and 27 countries. Just saying.

Sex is a great way to get to know someone. They yell OMG: religious; Shirt on: insecure; Screamer: Outgoing; Anal: Marriage material

Also, my dad wasn't a huge pussy that wasn't able to slap around the neighbors' dad for raising a douchebag.

Sometimes I like to do the Silence of the Lambs penis-tuck thing and rub the lotion on my skin...Makes me feel fancy.

Just did some unfollowing, to those I cut, I am not sorry, you shouldn't have stopped being funny. Some day, maybe, you'll be humorous again

I like to put a laser pointer in a chicks ass when we fuck, I just figure my dick likes the light show.

I'm so tired right now, I could probably fall asleep during sex...

This is Bob Barker, reminding you to spay and neuter your children...no, seriously, your a fucking idiot, chances are, so are your kds.

If I ever have a child, Im going to carry it around and tell everyone, "look what we made!" and then whisper like its a secret "its a baby"

No, I'm not really a mouth breather, I am just trying not to have my sense of smell burnt out by your over use of body spray.

Sometimes you just gotta say, "SIT THE FUCK DOWN AND SHUT UP!"

This coffee is like an orgasm in a cup....except not as thick and salty...