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my mom keeps asking me if i have a girlfriend lol give it a rest damn it's never gonna happen between us mom
TREBEK: Yes Tyler
ME: What is the answer
TREBEK: Once again that is technically correct. And we will be amending that rule after this taping
"No thanks, I'm vegetarian" is a fun thing to say when someone tries to hand you their baby.
One of McDonald's mascots is a guy who steals from McDonald's.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I'd like to buy a baby.
"Sir we don't-"
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
"This way please."
GOD: I call this one the crocodile.
ANGEL: sir I think you've just made alligators again.
GOD: I've lost my passion for this job.
It's not cool to threaten people. If you ever threaten somebody I will kill you.
"I'm Kanye West and this is my daughter Kanye West."
"Kanye our daughter's name is North."
*Kanye looks at Kim but only sees another Kanye*
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
My plane ticket just says "next to the fat guy"
Just sneezed but nobody blessed me so I was carried off to hell by three demons.
*coach takes huge hit off blunt*
"Fuck it I'm putting in the dog."
If you took out somebody's small intestine and stretched it all the way out from end to end, you would go to jail.
If your dad leaves you a voicemail and it doesn't include the time it wasn't really your dad and you and your dad are both in danger.
Whenever I accidentally pull up to the wrong side of a gas pump I get out, take a swig of gas and drive away so people don't think I'm crazy
Not Eric Forman from That 70's Show.
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