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my mom keeps asking me if i have a girlfriend lol give it a rest damn it's never gonna happen between us mom
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I'd like to buy a baby.
"Sir we don't-"
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
"This way please."
"No thanks, I'm vegetarian" is a fun thing to say when someone tries to hand you their baby.
"I'm Kanye West and this is my daughter Kanye West."
"Kanye our daughter's name is North."
*Kanye looks at Kim but only sees another Kanye*
Just sneezed but nobody blessed me so I was carried off to hell by three demons.
*coach takes huge hit off blunt*
"Fuck it I'm putting in the dog."
If your dad leaves you a voicemail and it doesn't include the time it wasn't really your dad and you and your dad are both in danger.
Before you get in an argument with a woman remember that they are capable of hating curtains.
Whenever I accidentally pull up to the wrong side of a gas pump I get out, take a swig of gas and drive away so people don't think I'm crazy
George W. Bush Library is cool because they built a physical manifestation of an oxymoron.
"Okay whoever can chug this beer faster gets an African country named after them." - origin of Chad
*Moses crosses out Commandment 11: "Show Moses your tits"*
"They'll never buy it," he sighs.
My dog is so dumb he thinks his reflection in the mirror is a different dog haha wait a minute who the hell is that guy behind him
You get to go on a date with the girl of your dreams but the wallpaper in the room is every selfie you've ever taken.
Just said "ew I will vom" in a text and now my name's Megan and I'm in a sorority.
Manti Te'o's girlfriend was just a hoax set up by the government so they could take our guns.
I think they named flys first and then they discovered birds and were like "fuuuuuck".
England's gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.