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my mom keeps asking me if i have a girlfriend lol give it a rest damn it's never gonna happen between us mom
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I'd like to buy a baby.
"Sir we don't-"
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
"This way please."
"No thanks, I'm vegetarian" is a fun thing to say when someone tries to hand you their baby.
"I'm Kanye West and this is my daughter Kanye West."
"Kanye our daughter's name is North."
*Kanye looks at Kim but only sees another Kanye*
Just sneezed but nobody blessed me so I was carried off to hell by three demons.
*coach takes huge hit off blunt*
"Fuck it I'm putting in the dog."
Whenever I accidentally pull up to the wrong side of a gas pump I get out, take a swig of gas and drive away so people don't think I'm crazy
Before you get in an argument with a woman remember that they are capable of hating curtains.
George W. Bush Library is cool because they built a physical manifestation of an oxymoron.
If your dad leaves you a voicemail and it doesn't include the time it wasn't really your dad and you and your dad are both in danger.
*Moses crosses out Commandment 11: "Show Moses your tits"*
"They'll never buy it," he sighs.
You get to go on a date with the girl of your dreams but the wallpaper in the room is every selfie you've ever taken.
"Okay whoever can chug this beer faster gets an African country named after them." - origin of Chad
Manti Te'o's girlfriend was just a hoax set up by the government so they could take our guns.
Just said "ew I will vom" in a text and now my name's Megan and I'm in a sorority.
So is there a GIRL Fieri?
I think they named flys first and then they discovered birds and were like "fuuuuuck".
Just ate a whole bag of chips but it was "reduced fat" so it was basically like going to the gym.