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my mom keeps asking me if i have a girlfriend lol give it a rest damn it's never gonna happen between us mom
"No thanks, I'm vegetarian" is a fun thing to say when someone tries to hand you their baby.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I'd like to buy a baby.
"Sir we don't-"
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
"This way please."
One of McDonald's mascots is a guy who steals from McDonald's.
"I'm Kanye West and this is my daughter Kanye West."
"Kanye our daughter's name is North."
*Kanye looks at Kim but only sees another Kanye*
Just sneezed but nobody blessed me so I was carried off to hell by three demons.
*coach takes huge hit off blunt*
"Fuck it I'm putting in the dog."
If you took out somebody's small intestine and stretched it all the way out from end to end, you would go to jail.
If your dad leaves you a voicemail and it doesn't include the time it wasn't really your dad and you and your dad are both in danger.
Whenever I accidentally pull up to the wrong side of a gas pump I get out, take a swig of gas and drive away so people don't think I'm crazy
Before you get in an argument with a woman remember that they are capable of hating curtains.
England's gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
George W. Bush Library is cool because they built a physical manifestation of an oxymoron.
I think they named flys first and then they discovered birds and were like "fuuuuuck".
"Okay whoever can chug this beer faster gets an African country named after them." - origin of Chad
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
My dog is so dumb he thinks his reflection in the mirror is a different dog haha wait a minute who the hell is that guy behind him