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my mom keeps asking me if i have a girlfriend lol give it a rest damn it's never gonna happen between us mom
"No thanks, I'm vegetarian" is a fun thing to say when someone tries to hand you their baby.
George W. Bush Library is cool because they built a physical manifestation of an oxymoron.
Just sneezed but nobody blessed me so I was carried off to hell by three demons.
Manti Te'o's girlfriend was just a hoax set up by the government so they could take our guns.
Before you get in an argument with a woman remember that they are capable of hating curtains.
Whenever I accidentally pull up to the wrong side of a gas pump I get out, take a swig of gas and drive away so people don't think I'm crazy
Just said "ew I will vom" in a text and now my name's Megan and I'm in a sorority.
Just ate a whole bag of chips but it was "reduced fat" so it was basically like going to the gym.
Before Twitter, strangers had to come up to you in the street to correct your spelling and grammar.
So far my resume is just "helped friend move in 2009."
You get to go on a date with the girl of your dreams but the wallpaper in the room is every selfie you've ever taken.
My great grandfather was killed in the Storage Wars.
"How I Met Your Mother" should really be called "Every Last Thing That Ever Fucking Happened Before I Met Your Mother".
BREAKING: Facebook friend Chelsea is "kind of tired" but still "really loves her boyfriend." More information to come..
They should really rename "5 Hour Energy" to "Eventually Cancer."
"Darth Vader...you ARE the father" *Luke breaks down crying, runs off stage. Vader triumphantly flips off jeering crowd*
"Fight fire with fire" - worst fireman ever.