My suicide note would probably just say: Realized how much my arm jiggles when I wave.

If I ever meet my twitter crush, I hope it's at a nice hotel because I wanna be murdered somewhere classy.

Good luck trying to convince me that crunchy peanut butter wasn't invented by the lazy guy at the smooth peanut butter factory.

If I give you a tour of my house, in every room I'll say, "This is where the magic happens!" and you'll feel super weird about it.

I call my boobs "the olsen twins" because they're both small but one is slightly smaller and weirder than the other one.

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you-
Me: Brad Pitt! Haha! But seriously, yeah, I strangled all those homeless people.

I only have three vodka martinis and it's all, "Please leave this establishment". Lady, who died and made you Queen of McDonald's PlayPlace?

Invented this new kind of sex where I watch tv & eat chips in bed and my husband quietly masturbates. It's so kinky he even cries a little!

What's that one sex position called where you lie awake at night thinking about how you could make his death look like an accident?

Here's a tip for the ladies: Trim your pubes. I know that sounds weird, but it totally makes your vagina look bigger.

Liquor? I hardly know her! HaHa.... I'll show myself out. *walks into coat closet* - me at dinner parties

Bought some new workout clothes I can wear to the grocery store.

I love those Instagram filters. You can barely see my social anxiety disorder.

One time I talked to my mom and she didn't accidentally call me by my sister's name and I've been chasing that high ever since.

I'm still writing Pope Benedict XVI on all my checks!

I'm so awkward at small talk I just said, "It's a libble bit chilly out kinda yes no?" And now everyone thinks I was having a small stroke.

Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez have been together for so long I bet their cycles are synced up.

I miss the little things my husband used to give me when we first started dating, like pretty flowers or eye contact.

My boyfriend does this really cute thing in bed where he says, "Who are you?!", and he looks frightened, and he's Ryan Gosling.

Who's the Boss? Mona. Boom. Solved it. One episode.