John Lennon stays in bed it's a media event. I try to sleep in and I'm a lazy asshole.

Mimes. The other clown meat.

This just in.,.tomorrow will occur. I repeat, tomorrow is a go. Take the necessary precautions.

Just once, I want to be the guy with the big foam finger.

Say 'what' again, I dare you, I double dare you motherfucker, say what one more Goddamn time! - Me, freaking out on the drive thru guy.

Those doughnuts need discipline. They will learn. I will teach them.

"I'm in a hurry to get to your mom's house" is not the correct response when pulled over and the cop asks why you were driving so fast.

Pro tip: Open every single opportunity for public speaking with "Dig if you will the picture...".

Anyone know a good quantum mechanic? There's a high probability my reality is broken.

It's impossible to be objective about the local distinction between "they don't get me" and "I'm not funny".

Strangle is such a harsh word. I prefer bimanual asphyxiation.

Why did I have children you might ask? Beer couriers. Simple as that.

I remember the day my name became, "that guy".

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, get a real instrument.

You guys are scaring my goats.

I'm not entirely convinced today is a good idea.

Let me get this straight...you put the lime IN the coconut?

For me, cooking is less about preparing good food than it is about not getting hurt.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Wolves

I don't worry as much about the thing under my bed as I used to.