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John Lennon stays in bed it's a media event. I try to sleep in and I'm a lazy asshole.
Mimes. The other clown meat.
This just in.,.tomorrow will occur. I repeat, tomorrow is a go. Take the necessary precautions.
Just once, I want to be the guy with the big foam finger.
Say 'what' again, I dare you, I double dare you motherfucker, say what one more Goddamn time! - Me, freaking out on the drive thru guy.
Those doughnuts need discipline. They will learn. I will teach them.
"I'm in a hurry to get to your mom's house" is not the correct response when pulled over and the cop asks why you were driving so fast.
Pro tip: Open every single opportunity for public speaking with "Dig if you will the picture...".
Anyone know a good quantum mechanic? There's a high probability my reality is broken.
It's impossible to be objective about the local distinction between "they don't get me" and "I'm not funny".
Strangle is such a harsh word. I prefer bimanual asphyxiation.
Why did I have children you might ask? Beer couriers. Simple as that.
I remember the day my name became, "that guy".
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, get a real instrument.
You guys are scaring my goats.
I'm not entirely convinced today is a good idea.
Let me get this straight...you put the lime IN the coconut?
For me, cooking is less about preparing good food than it is about not getting hurt.
I don't worry as much about the thing under my bed as I used to.