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If my sense of humor were any drier, it would be on hormone replacement therapy.
Pro Tip: Don't be a cunt.
Nothing promotes self loathing like a DM error message: "Recipient is not following the sender" lol
Not to brag or anything, but I had a two star tweet yesterday.
Ppl without kids don't realize,having a toddler is like having your own personal tiny inept bathroom attendant that you don't have to tip.
I've been digging in this pudding for hours, and I've not found one shred of proof. I call bullshit.
Hey guy on the "your baby can read" infomercial. Babies aren't supposed to fucking read. They're BABIES. Asshole.
Excuse me, can you move your foot? You're kind of stepping on my soul.
I'm fucking starving. The natural solution to this would be to come to twitter and bitch about it.
You know that thing where you bite the Dorito funny, and it shanks you in the gumline? That.
Attention everyone: please be aware that most people only care about THEIR OWN horoscope. Carry on.
It has to be said- I am AWESOME at narcissism.
This salad tastes like punishment.
I love asian food like a fat kid loves cake. And I would know. Because I am also a fat kid that loves cake.
When Meatloaf sang that he would do anything for love, but he won't do THAT, he was talking about begging for stars and followers.
Someone just blipped 'What Hurts the Most?' by Rascal Flats. The answer to that question is: Rascal Flats.
Love is taking the batteries out of your vibrator and putting them in your kid's game.
"I'm going to Twitter, where my poop talk will be appreciated."- Me, just now.
No, no. I WANTED you to grammatically sodomize my tweet so you could add "LOL RT" to the front of it.
The quickest way to a woman's heart is through prescription narcotics. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Bleeding heart with a foul mouth and purveyor of smartassery.