hey guys maybe girls are so cold all the time because you make us shave off all our hair

In Jaden Smith, we are watching the first person to become a movie star because it came up on the chore wheel.

BREAKING: Despite 9 years of marriage equality in Massachusetts, the earth still moves.

Hey AT&T, how about you text me if I DON'T exceed my data plan

That which does not kill you isn't finished.

Hello 911 how do you tie a noose

Hey, Democrats. If a Republican says "These scandals are bigger than Watergate," just say, "Your mom's bigger than Watergate."

Foolproof.

If I worried about grammar all the time I'd never get lain.

My last words will probably be something like "don't tell me what to do!" and then I'll hang up on the suicide line lady.

Her full name is 'Lavatori Spelling'

I am constantly putting things where they don't belong, like the cereal in the fridge or my keys in the laundry or my faith in other people.

Hey @prodigalsam, this is wack and bums me out! pic.twitter.com/PwyiaYdykU

I'm now even too lazy to click on links in tweets.

I hate goodbyes but not nearly as much as I hate hellos. And the parts in between hello and goodbye.

Girl, I like yo style. I would take you out back behind Dairy Queen, bend you over... And write you a poem.

When I tell you I'm not ready for a relationship - it doesn't mean we're not having sex - it just means you're not spending the night

The cicadas are gonna be pretty bummed to see I still have the same car.

Trail mix, get out of my M&M's.

Free band name: Fuck Your Stupid Face.

Just saw a guy wearing a fringed leather jacket AND flip flops. I don't know if I should be puking or dripping wet.