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Promised the wife I'd treat her like a princess, so I drove my car at 120mph into the nearest concrete pillar killing her instantly RIP wife
so many polish people @ work I decided to embrace their culture and go to one of their "pole dancing" clubs. not what I expected.
Turns out nobody on the bus likes my new trumpet or my first ever go at trying it What a bunch of cunts. Everyones a Simon Cowell these days
One of my goldfish died yesterday and none of the others turned up to the funeral. They really do have short memories.
I love peter Andre soo much that I always pretend my brothers dead when I'm wanking
That's the last time I confuse "coming out for a run" with coming out for a rum. Runnings shit, rum is great.
I've got a boner on the bus......bus boner, I'm gonna make sure it hits everybody's shoulder as I get off like cardboard on a bmx wheel
It's only five to eight and I've seen two priests and a hindu. Get in!!!
Being the only let handed bloke in this wank circle means im losing pace cos i keep banging elbows. Looks like im eating the biscuit.
I think todays bus driver is called johnny swift much better than moody fat face from yesterday. Go johnny go!!!!
My hangover cure of gin on sugar puffs didn't go to plan. Think I might just stick to vomiting and crying.
my imaginary Jewish couple friends want me to watch them have sex dressed up as princess Diana that's why im wearing your wedding dress wife