Remember when we were kids and all we had to play with was '"outside?"

A new sex study shows the 'doggie position' most used married sex position. Husband sits up and begs. Wife rolls over and plays dead.

I wish the public didn't have people in it.

Never underestimate the power of a retweet.

I fav because I like your tweet, not because I give a rat's ass about your damn favstar rating.

Never buy wine from a man with purple feet.

I called the stewardess a stewardess and she got mad, corrected me with 'flight attendant.' So I called her 'the drink-getter' instead.

You say OCD, I say detail oriented.

I fit in well with the 'you don't fit in' crowd.

I live vicariously through your stupidity, since I'll never get the chance to experience stupidity quite at the level you display.

I'm starting to believe some of you are only here because you have free reign to use some form of the word fuck whenever the fuck you want.

Twitter snobs amuse me. You realize it's the internet, right? And you aren't important on here any more than in real life, right?

I always feel I'm at my coolest when I'm first in line at a red light.

Don't text me to call you. Because I won't, on principle alone at how dumb that is.

I cut my wife's waffles for her. Not only because that's the kind of husband I am, but also because I don't trust her with a knife...at all.

We can all make efforts to be less annoying.

You go first...

Practical Joke: Wet your hands in the bathroom sink, burst out to friends, grab their arms. Frantically say, "My quarter is in the toilet!"

My wife's and daughter's clothes are the same size now. Have to be extra careful about which panties I get excited about when doing laundry.

Friend: Why should I do Twitter? No one wants to hear what I have to say on there. Me: You'll be surprised at the crap people get way with.

I'm not a control freak, you just do everything wrong. ...or stupidly.