Shaved my girlfriend's cat. Think she'll take the hint?

Shaving your pubes when single is the new carrying a condom in your wallet in middle school.

Been so long since I've gotten laid, the moment I finally make contact will look like a cartoon character grabbing an electrified doorknob.

FYI-making propeller noises and going "Here comes the airplane. Open up the hanger," doesn't work for BJs.

Everything I know about measurements is from doing drugs.

I wonder how many of the people I follow would be here if their parents loved them.

My brain autocorrects my tweet ideas to "you're a failure."

"Cheeseburgers make me hard."-arteries

Kool & The Gang's "Get Down On It" is the classiest, most polite song about demanding a blow job.

"It's pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh."
"Ok, got it doo-shah."

Day 4374 of coal in butt experiment: still no diamond

Bartender, could I please send that table a round of "SHUT THE FUCK UP" please? Thank you.

Just saw a 10 out of the corner of my eye. Turned and there's Miss Meth 2012. Well played peripheral vision troll.

Quit complaining. Did you have to use your AK-47 today? No? Then it was a good day.

With grape powder, comes grape responsibilitea.

Trivia Host: What is a single unit of power called?
Lil Jon: WATT!
Trivia Host: What is the Oklahoma postal abbreviation?
Lil Jon: OK!

Back in the day (pre-1969), I sold Bryan Adams so many fake 6 strings. Those were the best days of my life.

I'm not really a shower. Or a grower. Or an innie. Or a skinny. Or with a fox. Or in a box. I do not like you.

As a child I had an imaginary friend so it makes perfect sense I'm on here.

I don't know anybody who's seen Octomom's sex tape. I'm guessing it's like The Ring.