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Practiced my "wife" skills by cooking dinner and cleaning, but without a dick to suck at the end of the night, it's pointless.
Being "popular" on Twitter is like being popular in high school: in 10 years no one will remember you, and you still get fat.
A tongue in the ass is worth two in the bush.
At night, when I'm alone, I remind myself that someday my prince will come.
All over my face. And tits, probably.
You know you're addicted to technology when you're bored in the bathroom if you forget your iPhone.
The only thing that ever worked for me after I blew it was my Nintendo game system.
It's amazing how quickly pizza rolls transform from "delicious midnight snack" to "lava-filled pockets of mouth-scalding FUCK MY LIFE!"
Hey guys, I'm more than just a warm hole.
I'm also a wet mouth, killer rack, and a pair of hands that make excellent sandwiches.
Being pretty is great because no one expects that you can do things and then you're like BAM! yes I CAN tie my own shoelaces!
My dad called just to say "I love you." I said "Imuvvuhhwah." He said, "What?" So I pulled the dick out of my mouth & said "I love you too."
Sorry, Folgers: the best part of waking up is a face in my vagina.
Call me a "grammar nazi," but I just can't stand when Jews misspell words.
I should stop being so clumsy & walking into things because the bruises on my knees are confusing people into thinking I have a sex life.
I wanted to grow my hair out for Locks of Love but apparently they don't accept pubes.
Guy from last night: How do you like your eggs in the morning, baby?
Me: Unfertilized. Bus stop is that way.
Men don't know this but in junior high sex ed, they split up the boys & girls so the girls can learn how to make the boy's lives miserable.
There is no way Jesus is a better copilot than me because I give road head.
Hey married guys reading this tweet: put down your phone, close the computer, and go balls deep in your wife. Give it to her good. For me.
I turn water into Crystal Light, and Crystal Light into pee.
Your move, Jesus.
Even if I'm too drunk to rap the rest of the lyrics to "Nuthin But A G Thang," I never miss shouting "CITY OF COMPTON!"