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Does macing these two door-to-door evangelists make me look an atheist?
Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give him two fishes and he'll eat for TWO days. It's basic math, people! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Well, it turnes out "I can tell you, but then I'll have to kill you" is not a valid answer for ANY field in IRS forms.
I wish swiss army knives had a tool I could use to open the other tools. By the way, how long does it take for a thumbnail to grow back?
Please RT: The phobia that a monster will reach from the toilet and grab you does not persist to adulthood, unless you get reminded about it
I wish twitter would implement a "fists" feature, so I can punch stupid fucks over the Internet.
The two main problems of humanity are overpopulation and famine. Well, it seems to me the solution is obvious.
Talk to your kids about candy before a stranger does
Spent the afternoon behind the shoulder of an auto mechanic. I feel so manly now that I think I'm growing a third testicle.
Dear God of the Bible, I'm marrying a girl with very religious parents and I want to give them traditional dowry. So, 100 or 200 foreskins?
"Dad, why don't I look like you?"
"Well, remember the story of the ugly duckling?"
"You mean I'm adopted?"
"No, I mean you're ugly."
I just won the Brittish lottery. Will spend the proceeds in helping the former Nigerian presidents to sneak their money out of the country.
To celebrate the Coming Out Day, I came out. There was some bright light in the ... the ... blue thingie ... Anyway, I'm safely back in now.
The breeze did not stir the serene lake and not a ripple betrayed the entry point of my mother-in-law's concrete-augmented last dive. #zen
Papercuts on Monday go twice as deep. This one reaches my soul
According to my research, there is NO right way of simultaneously using a nail, a hammer and a thumb.
Giving away seven adorable kittens or five pounds of minced meat for dog food.
Pro tip: When left in a drawer for a long time, a belt will shrink and the old hole may need adjusting.
Twitter bug exposes your privates? Just like me in the mall
I just hate it when the cops leave the donut shop too early and say "Raise your hands and turn around!" while I'm still peeing on their car.
Don't think of me as a misanthrope. I'm a philanthrope with a rough kind of love towards humankind