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Boyfriend taking me to a wine tasting at a place that's called Doukenie Winery. EVERYONE knows that's French for dookie
Hate to harp on this but if your green card in Apples to Apples is "Desperate" and I play "Gandhi" and you don't pick it? Like...I don't...
If Norman Rockwell were alive 2 see the glow of these kids' faces by the light of their iPads at supper, he'd march right back 2 his grave
If u are in line & the man behind u stands unreasonably close so that his coat brushes ur back at that point is it out of the q to kill him?
EVERYONE PLEASE COMMIT TO YOUR WALKING TRAJECTORIES
My life is like Ella Enchanted in that if I see ANYONE eating fast food I have to get some too, so, not at all like Ella Enchanted just fat
Aunt Susan just said, all defeated, "I just don't understand Tweet at all."
Great tip for aspiring comedians: become a flight attendant
Love and revulsion are duking it out inside me re: this husband and wife flight attendant duo
Real Women Have Scurvy
Emily just SLAMMED an e.e. cummings joke at this bar
"How the hell do I know why there were Nazis--I don't know how the can opener works"
Where the FUCK is Daniel Stern!???
What's your fave thing to do when you're completely alone in this world?
I totes get why people meditate and stuff? but it's just hard for me bc my ego is SO adorable and fun
Farts don't count when you're babysitting
The 6 year old is talking about marrying me again "How old will you be when I'm just out of college?" "Then I'd see your bumps all the time"