Am I tripping? Fuck yeah I'm tripping, tripping on abstinence and the love of Jesus. I also just took acid so I'm tripping on that as well.

I like my women like l like my coffee. That came out wrong... What I'm trying to say is that I want to go down on you in a crowded Starbucks

#FiveWordsBeforeSex

already came sex is canceled

The friendzone is actually really nice this time of year

I've always been a homeless romantic

"I just really need some space right now."- astronaut eager to get back to work

When Mormon missionaries come to my house I look them in the eyes and say, "are you boys here to fuck me or what?" and they never come back.

"You'll find love, I just know it," I whispered to no one in particular as I buttered my toast.

Aww gurrl did u fall from heaven because there's blood everywhere and all your bones have been crushed and you are no longer alive

Who's dick do I have to suck to suck some dick around here

If you wish to possess my heart you must first best me in an intricate Segway obstacle course my stepmom designed

Make like a tree and live for a real long time you lovable son of a bitch

The most fun I've ever had on Twitter: pic.twitter.com/sm8B0Xyrsj

"I feel you." *feels you*

#TalkLikeYourBestFriend Your father and I love you very much honey. You can live in our basement as long as you want sweetie.

I'm the drunkest person at this cat baptism right now

If you never date anyone you never get cheated on plus you get your bed all to yourself and no one sees when you cry in your ice cream

RT if ur my real dad . Miss u sir

Face down ass up that's the way I tie my shoes

You sit in a room with versions of yourself from every year of your life and reflect