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If I were a doctor every time I got my food at a restaurant I'd say, "Just what the doctor ordered", and my wife would eventually leave me.
Am I tripping? Fuck yeah I'm tripping, tripping on abstinence and the love of Jesus. I also just took acid so I'm tripping on that as well.
"Is this guy bothering you?", I asked a woman pointing to her annoyingass baby.
Call me old fashioned but my wife is 14, I'm a blacksmith, and I'm slowly dying of dysentery.
"What can I get you today?"
"How about a girlfriend?! Ha! No no, just kiddin. I'll have your most reasonably priced dog coffin please."
I like my women like l like my coffee. That came out wrong... What I'm trying to say is that I want to go down on you in a crowded Starbucks
The friendzone is actually really nice this time of year
"I just really need some space right now."- astronaut eager to get back to work
Who's dick do I have to suck to suck some dick around here
Sometimes I'll take a bus full of elderly people to a laser tag arena and tell them it's the future now
When Mormon missionaries come to my house I look them in the eyes and say, "are you boys here to fuck me or what?" and they never come back.
I've always been a homeless romantic
Make like a tree and live for a real long time you lovable son of a bitch
"You'll find love, I just know it," I whispered to no one in particular as I buttered my toast.
Damn girl are you The Mummy starring Brendan Fraser because I think about you every day
If you wish to possess my heart you must first best me in an intricate Segway obstacle course my stepmom designed
Aww gurrl did u fall from heaven because there's blood everywhere and all your bones have been crushed and you are no longer alive
Writer and composer. Creator of the Nervous In Public blog and singer of the band Straight White Teeth. Attacked by a dolphin at age 12. Lover of many cheeses.
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