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If I were a doctor every time I got my food at a restaurant I'd say, "Just what the doctor ordered", and my wife would eventually leave me.
Am I tripping? Fuck yeah I'm tripping, tripping on abstinence and the love of Jesus. I also just took acid so I'm tripping on that as well.
"Is this guy bothering you?", I asked a woman pointing to her annoyingass baby.
Call me old fashioned but my wife is 14, I'm a blacksmith, and I'm slowly dying of dysentery.
"What can I get you today?"
"How about a girlfriend?! Ha! No no, just kiddin. I'll have your most reasonably priced dog coffin please."
I like my women like l like my coffee. That came out wrong... What I'm trying to say is that I want to go down on you in a crowded Starbucks
The friendzone is actually really nice this time of year
"I just really need some space right now."- astronaut eager to get back to work
Who's dick do I have to suck to suck some dick around here
Sometimes I'll take a bus full of elderly people to a laser tag arena and tell them it's the future now
When Mormon missionaries come to my house I look them in the eyes and say, "are you boys here to fuck me or what?" and they never come back.
I've always been a homeless romantic
Make like a tree and live for a real long time you lovable son of a bitch
"You'll find love, I just know it," I whispered to no one in particular as I buttered my toast.
Damn girl are you The Mummy starring Brendan Fraser because I think about you every day
If you wish to possess my heart you must first best me in an intricate Segway obstacle course my stepmom designed
Aww gurrl did u fall from heaven because there's blood everywhere and all your bones have been crushed and you are no longer alive
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