This root canal was the first time I've used a dental dam for its intended purpose.

Wearing my lucky underwear just in case the cops come to the door.

Is it possible to make uglier clothes for fat people? Just cause we're big doesn't mean we like glittery snowflakes.

I like gays so much better than I like church.

Ever been bullied? Wear PURPLE on Wednesday to show your support for bullied teens! Yea I mean you. Pls RT.

If people like me then that's just a bonus. Cause basically, I don't like anyone.

Again, the store is called Forever 21, not Almost 55.

That's it, I'm sending my toe hair to the gulf to soak up the oil. #doingmypart

Blackberry is the hotmail.com of phones.

Watching What Women Want, you know, the movie right before Mel Gibson went completely apeshit.

Someone's "Thriller" ringtone just went off in our Agency-wide meeting. Hot!

Dear Covergirl, your makeup is neither easy or breezy.

I had no idea how many straight men identify as lesbians.

I always have to remember I'm an adult.

“@extremehome: P/S RT Tonight we can END bullying! Help get #standtogether trending!! Go to http://t.co/S0a6z5AM to take the pledge!”

I would go to this church... http://t.co/bdKC3MVB

Anytime someone calls you hon, sweetie, dear, etc. automatically assume they are putting you down. Ok, babe?

I can barely get out of the bed in the morning without getting something on my shirt.

So bummed I'm not getting more stars. #addiction

My snuggie is in the closet with my heterosexuality.