Vegetarians - If you love animals so much stop eating all their food.

Sometimes I regret surgically removing my feet and replacing them with wheels... But not today!! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

We didn't have twitter at school... We smoked pot.

I should really stop giving acid to my monkey.

Because i'm running out of acid.

And I don't even have a monkey,

Police officer approached me with a sniffer dog, "This dog tells me that you're on drugs."

"I'm on drugs? You're the one talking to dogs."

#ChrisBrownPickupLines "girl you should come to my party - I serve a good punch."

Just saw my brothers update on Facebook, "I love my GF <3"

What a joker I mean I knew he likes them young, but my fucking god! Under three?

History tells a story.

That's why you must always clear it before your girlfriend uses the computer.

I'm on 19 different lists! And there not all sex offenders listings! NICE!

Im so smart, I have added my mistress into my mobile phone contacts as 'low battery' so when my phones rings it looks like it needs charging

My mum's bf hates when I shorten his name to 'Dick'.

Mainly because his name is Matthew.

I want this comment to get 50 Fav's

“Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit.”” -Bill Maher

Facebooks down! Had to phone 256 friends, tell them I was "tired this morning", went & showed my breakfast to 50,& text "like" to 10 of them

Damn, my Christmas tree lights have stopped working... wait, no they haven't... yes they have... no, they haven't... wait, ..

Making mirrors look good, since 1985.

V for Vendetta! S for Shit!

I lost all my heroin... at least it didn't go in vain.

It's normal, every man gets an erection when watching porn... So what if it wasn't porn, it was sesame street. You know I like Big Birds.

Got short changed today - love wearing midgets clothing.