Some of you folks would criticize typos in a suicide note.

Sometimes I wake up bitchy.
Usually I just let her sleep.

Wine lover=connoisseur
Food lover=gourmand
Cigar lover=aficionado
Any fancy word for a vodka lover or should I just stick with drunkard?

Waving good bye to visiting family as they pull out of my driveway is borderline orgasmic.

Show me a man with an " I love my wife" bumper sticker and I will show you a man who was caught cheating.

Kamikaze pilot instructor to students:
" watch closely, I'm only going to do this once"

I wouldn't need to manage my anger if everyone in my life stopped pissing me the fuck off.

If I say something in the woods and my wife is not around to hear it, am I still wrong?

How did they measure hail before golf balls were invented?

Give a man a fish he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day getting shitfaced.

2 reasons I can't trust people.

#1 I don't know them.
#2 I know them.

True haters suck.
Hating for race, faith or who you share your bed with is pathetic.
Get out of my house, my office, my TL douche bags.

Quaker fairy tail:
"once upon a time..."

Redneck fairy tail:
"y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Home alone, stoned, drinking beers, eating junior mints and tweeting.

Trying to determine if this is a high point or low point in my life.

For those of you who are telepathic.........

I despise co workers asking what I have planned for the weekend, so I came up with a cookie cutter answer:

"None of your fucking business"

How come when a man taks dirty to a woman it's sexual harassment but when a women talks dirty to a man it's $9.95 per minute.

There was a time in my life when I felt like a man trapped in a woman's body.

Then I was born.

Ok here is the deal, Don't pray for money because The Big Guy doesn't work that way..

It's better to steal it and ask for forgiveness.

Cow #1: I was artificially inseminated this morning.

Cow #2: I don't believe you.

Cow #1: it's true, no bull.