Life's gonna fuck you in the ass from time to time. There's many ways to deal with it. I like to look back over my shoulder & say "harder".

Please don't take the things I say seriously. Unless it's about fucking, I never joke about fucking.

If you come to my house chances are: 99.9% that I'm braless, 48% that I'm sans pants, and 110% that I wish you weren't at my house.

Tweet like nobody cares...because they don't.

Sometimes I get the impression that all of you are one person with multiple fucked up personalities and a ton of free time.

I know I'm not the only person that walks into a place & does a quick scan to see if there's anyone fuckable.

Ohhh, so THAT'S what pussy-footing means, I thought it meant...never mind.

I will make friends with the weirdest, creepiest motherfucker. Cause when shit goes down, I want that creepy fucker on MY side.

Am I the only fucking person that still says "excuse me" before ramming someone with my shopping cart?!?!?!

It's amazing how a song can make me think of someone that I haven't ever met.

When I see someone with a freshly shaved head, I can't help but want to feel it...with my thighs.

This massaging showerhead isn't as great as everyone implied. Maybe if I hook it up to a firehose...

Every time I see a pic attached to a tweet, I just hafta click on that shit. Gonna regret that one of these days...

My body is here, alone in the dark, but my mind...my mind is more than a thousand miles away.

Torturously deep & slow, breathtakingly quick & hard; there's a time & a place for both.

I wonder if I can catch herpes from the gym water fountain. Yeah, I should probably stop rubbing my vag on it...

I accidentally cut myself in a very delicate place. I'm going to need a bandage & a boo-boo kiss, STAT!

I did housework this morning instead of watching porn. Don't know what's wrong with me, but I'm REALLY scared!

I'm in the grocery store & I'm STARVING!! This cannot end well. If you see someone deep throating a summer sausage, it might be me.

I guess my superpower is falling asleep while masturbating. But it's not so much a superpower as a hobby.